Tuesday, December 16, 2008

YES SIR

I am posting a couple of songs performed by Robert Pattinson....I'm also including the lyrics b/c it's sometimes hard to understand what he is saying...the second song is on the Twilight soundtrack....you guys may not like his voice...but I am in love with it.

I Am Broken



Lyrics:
I was lonely,
I was tired,
Now I�m bound.
My head is off the ground.

For a long time, I was so weary,
Tired of sound
I heard before

Knowing of the nights I�m out the door.
Haunted by the things I did
Stuck between the burning light
And the dusty shade.

Said I,
Used to think the past was dead and gone,
I was wrong,
So wrong,
Elements of blindness make you strong
Make you strong
In my time I melted into many forms,
From the day that I was born, no.

I know there�s no place to hide.
Stuck between the burning shade and the fading light

I was broken
For a long time
But it�s over now

Said I was broken
For a long time
But it�s over now

Yes, and you
Yeah, you walk these lonely streets where people stand
People stand
And some people just can�t
And I do pretend
I�m free from all the things that saved my friends
I was there until the end
I know I can take the moon
Stuck between the burning shade and the fading light

I was broken
For a long time
But it�s over now
It�s over now


This is the one on the soundtrack
Never Think


Lyrics:

I should never think
What's in your heart
What's in our home
So I won't

You'll learn to hate me
But still call me baby
Oh love
So call me by my name

And save your soul
Save your soul
Before you're too far gone
Before nothing can be done

I'll try to decide when
She'll lie in the end
I ain't got no fight in me
In this whole damn world
So you hold off
She should hold off
It's the one thing that I've known
Once I put my coat on
I'm coming out in this all wrong
She standing outside holding me
Saying oh please
I'm in love
I'm in love

Girl save your soul
Go on save your soul
Before it's too far gone
And before nothing can be done

Cause without me
You got it all
So hold on
Without me you got it all
So hold on
Without me you got it all
Without me you got it all
So hold on
Without me you got it all
So hold on
Without me you got it all
So hold on

Saturday, December 13, 2008

NOW WHAT....

*breathe*

I finished the fourth book of the Twilight series about 15 minutes ago...the last three days I have stopped breathing several times...have missed a lot of sleep...cried a lot...and dreamt the most vivid dreams that I have in a very long time.

The saga is over...I can see how it could go on and on and on...but it ended well. I wish that I had someone to cooingly talk to about it with...but I don't.

I have never in my life been so sucked into a character's thoughts other than when I was writing my own book....I don't really have words to explain it really...it's actually quite comical and confusing and crazy.

Since the hoopla has broken out from the movie...I sit back and I laugh at the 'team edward'~~'team jacob' bullshit...b/c really...if you really read the damn books, there really is no need in siding. But teenagers will be teenagers.

I get to slither back into reality tomorrow.

Highly doubtable....lol

Thursday, December 11, 2008

*ROBERT PATTINSON*

So some of you know...the ones that I usually talk to on a day to day basis...know that I have become a tad bit consumed with the Twilight books...for those of you who don't....let me share how this came about...and then I will share with you my revelation...

Okay...I was dog sitting for the parents over turkey day and decided to watch a movie...I was very skeptical at watching Twilight b/c I seriously thought that it was going to be very hokey...and just didn't care. (Honestly, I was still stuck up Anne Rice's arse)

The movie was good, but I wasn't all that 'ohmygod' that everyone else was doing...I did love Edward and Bella so I decided to buy the book...I couldn't put it down...it sucked me in so hard that it could have taken an act of God to release me.

The way Stephenie writes, she makes it as if you are in Bella's head...and damn it let me tell you...my inspiration flame has been lit.

I bought the second and third book the next day and now I am on the 4th book. I re-watched the movie after reading the 1st book and enjoyed it much more...then today I watched it again for the third time and that is when I had my revelation.

And actually Alexiss is the only one that will understand it b/c she's the only one that has read my book....tell me is this not Kevin???? (the main character in my book)



I can't shake this guy...and I am sure some will spit on me for saying this...but if he stays the hush hush 'i'm shy' persona that he is tugging around then I feel we have the next Depp on our hands...the next two movies that Robert is doing will blow you away...anyone that can portray Salvador Dali gets an automatic ovation from me. I just can't wait for it to come out.....so anyway....I don't get star struck that often...I have my obsessions and they are Dave Foley and Johnny....I seriously wish that I was in PR b/c I would love to jump on this guys band wagon...literally and figurtively.

After I read the 4th book....which I am trying like mad to pace myself....I'm going to start sending my manuscript out to publishing companies...I found another site(s) thanks to Stepenie (she put on her site what all she did to get her books published).....get off my ass and finish cleaning up the chapters first though...lol...he will forever be branded as Kevin in my head...strange how that happens....I invented Kevin and I have never truly gotten a concrete image of the way he looked...but now I do. hmmmmm....

So anyway...what the hell, he is beautiful to boot.

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Sunday Bla-day

I wish that you could choose your memories...choose the ones to forget, faces, voices, scents....wipe away clean forever, never to return. As hard as I try they slap me harder in my dreams. Which is not a big deal...but when you watch QAF for three days non-stop...you would think that you would have sweet what-nots about Brian Kenny, not some uber guy from your past who was nothing but a mere dangling carrot.

Strange things happened in my complex last night...three fire trucks and an ambulance decided to throw a midnight party in my parking lot...have no clue what happened there but it kept me awake. So I finished Season 4, upset that I still don't have season 5, so I put in News Radio and finally fell asleep around 2ish.

Now I'm awake....I read postsecret today....the engagement one was sad but I could totaly relate. It's Sunday again...time for another job search. I feel that I have lost my NOLA girls and that makes me sad.

Sunday, November 9, 2008

just another sunday

I wish I had a glass of wine...that's right...it's 10am and I said I wish I had a glass of wine...I'm beginning to suffer round two of the the blues of not having a job. The first round hit in September....

I still make myself go to bed at a decent hour...no later than midnight...and I still wake up between 8-930am....I roll out of bed thinking...why bother...I don't get out of my pajamas...which makes me feel more like a loser than anything...but I do make my bed...for some reason that makes me feel less lazy.

I don't have the real desire to eat anymore...I make myself though b/c you have to eat...but the shit kicker of it is, I'm not depressed...sounds like it, but I'm not.

Went to my post-opp on Thursday and everything came back benign...so I celebrated Thursday night. We had fun...as always.

I feel that everyone is moving full speed around me and I'm stuck in a tar pit surrounded by qucksand....if you sit quietly enough, you can hear the violins begin to play.

Sunday, November 2, 2008

*SIGHS*

I am beginning to feel that this doesn't exist anymore


Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Dream..

I had another tornado dream last night...

I was over at my friend Lisa's house and were walking her dogs in the courtyard between the two buildings...it was like a small park somewhat...it had rained earlier and it was the middle of October so we hadn't paid any attention to the weather, didn't think we had to.

We are now about a mile or two away from the apartment and the wind started to blow, the sky went black, and the sirens went off. Then it started to rain, then it began to hail...she didn't seem to concerned about it, she figured that it could be on the other side of town...we passed a tree and there was a small tornado forming behind one of the buildings...Lisa's daughter thought it was cool...I almost pissed myself. We picked up the girls and the dogs and ran like mad to get back to her apartment.

She lived on the second floor but it was at street level...we go into the girl's room and begin to clear out the closet...all these people were standing around taking pictures and what was one tornado turned into three tornadoes and all I could think of was Terrible Tuesday...a tornado that tore half of wichita falls down in 79...we got into the closet, I had one of the girls in my arms and I closed my eyes and prayed.

When I woke up I was laying belly down, somewhere, I couldn't figure out where...my body was numb and my face felt swolen...I felt the way I did in recovery after my surgery...I tried to lift my had and focus...it was hard but I did it...I was in the hospital...I didn't know why but I just assumed it had something to do with the tornado...

That's all I remember.

I've been dreaming of tornadoes my entire life...the most reoccuring one that I have...besides the ones of the guy...but the older I get the more intense they become and they get closer to me...I don't know if anyone knows but I am petrified of tornadoes....I love storms, love thunder and lightening...but you breathe a possibility of tornado and I turn into a two year old scared to death. I've never been through one.

When Terrible Tuesday hit in 79 I was almost 3 years old and it didn't hit the side of town that we lived, but my mother thinks that I was traumatized from it...because it was effin scary!!! It was HUGE...over 2600 yards..



Google it..it's pretty interesting...the ironic thing is...I'm obsessed with them...I try to learn as much about them that I possibly can and one of these days I would love to go on one of those tornado chaser rides...to get over my fear...but it still scares the shit out of me.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Hmmmmm.....

515am on a Tuesday morning and I haven't gone to sleep yet....

What started out to be a somber depressing Monday ended up being a fullfilling night of beautiful faces and the meeting of new people...of course there was a bad habit of losing drivers licenses and phones...but for the first time in my life, it was not my loss.

I was picked up and tossed toward Caves...yes, I know I said that I would ban myself from that bar, and I had but we had no other choice but to crash the red headed bar full force...we arrived and I sat there sipping my devil juice and watching the people around me in amazement over the fact that I had no clue who any of the people were...give or take a few that I remembered from a very checkered dark past.

Low and behold...a sweet looking boy walks in wearing a white shirt and dark rimmed glasses...he had my eye as soon as he walked in...two devil juices easily down my throat and I get up to talk to his friends GF....and next I know we are chatting away as if we were old girlfriends from grammar school...the night barely ended 15 minutes ago and now I am just ready to find sleep...the boy in the white shirt...boys in general seem to be very disappointing lately but that is okay...who needs them.

For the first time in my history of dwelling amongst the cave was a shot bought for me in return for my genorosity...I almost fell off my bar stool in shock...alas...my faith in human kindness was almost restored.

I wrote a poem in my head tonight...and I wish that I had pen and paper at the time that it was there b/c it has been so long since I have had the inspiration to write...but it left as fast as it entered...which isn't surprising b/c it is the way words fall into my life.

I'm not tired as I should be...I am but it's not the kind of tired that I want. I was around good company tonight...good laughter...good spirits...something that I have not experienced around strangers in years...but I know not to count my chickens before they hatch or to hold on to things that are merely within arms reach...you have moments for a reason...some are meant to repeat and some are meant to remember...I don't care to decipher which anymore...all I care is that I had a good time. To me, that is all that matters.

Sunday, October 19, 2008

COLOR ME HAPPY

Finally went out last night...joined the world and for once it was outside of Arlington...damn I think that is what made me the most excited. Yeah we went to Sherlocks in Addison...even though there is one across the street from me, but the band that we both love (Diane and I) was playing out there...she is having surgery this week so she would have missed them playing at ours....ANYWAY

We packed our bearings and headed out to Addison...which my goodness...isn't really in tin-buck-too, it's only 30 minutes away...I met up with my Rogelio...my boy...I haven't seen him in over a year and that was my second motivation to go. I had the dancing bug before I left the apartment...hell, I've had the dancing bug for awhile now...and let me tell you, it was really hard sitting there and not dancing...but guilty as charged...I wound up getting out there for 3 songs...but I was on good behavior other than that.

We met a couple of boys...Diane had the straight boy and me as always had the gay boy...but it was okay...he is actually quite fabulous. Ro left before the ugly lights came on and we said that we would most definitely be coming back to Addison, so I can not wait for next time. I miss him so much...and any reason for me to get the HELL out of Arlington...I am game!!

So....I had strange dreams last night...surprise, surprise. I was going to a halloween party with Diane but before we got there she had told me that she knew the reason why Lukas never talks to me or never seemed to care...I asked her why and she started crying...I was like, okay maybe the two of them have their own little romping thing going on...which okay, whatever...and she said no, that he hated me, never did like me, said he thought I would never be anything to him but a common shop girl he was just being nice because he wasn't an asshole...lol...and she said that he was also pissed off because I had knocked off something in his car from when he drove me home and I never fixed it or offered...but he never told me anything like that so I had no idea what she was talking about...my goodness was she upset...sobbing so hard...she said that she didn't want to hurt my feelings but she knew that I needed to know because of how I felt about him...all this information while we are walking into a party...lol

We walk into this auditorium and everyone's costumes were real...people were drinking this small cap size liquid that transformed them into who or what they wanted to be...it was very strange and mind blowing...we walk into the auditorium and all these people were sitting in the seats and I noticed Lukas sitting there with his ex-girlfriend, as I walked passed him I tripped and fell and he did nothing. All my friends from high school were there and some ex-work people as well...then I woke up.

I love having slap you in the face dreams like that...lol...I've booted him from my brain so it doesn't matter anymore. He's just another boy from work, move on.

Sadey pissed on the carpet again this morning...I don't understand why she is doing this and quite frankly it is really pissing me off.

I had another harsh glass breaking reality check happen last night...but I can't write about it because I promised that I would pretend that I didn't know...but damnit...I need to get my ass to Virginia...it's been 7 years and I still love him...it's time.

Happy Sunday.

Saturday, October 18, 2008

LA-TEE-DA

I woke up this morning happy because I am well rested. I slept my five hours straight last night!!! YAY!!! I haven't done that since before my surgery. I would sleep in two hour increments. Major deal you guys!!

My dream last night...I wish that I could remember it in full because it was a pretty good one...but now all I remember is the boys...it started out with me and Ryan Reynolds but ended with Gale Harold...oh how I cherish the nights when I dream of Gale Harold...I love him, I love him, I love him.

My vanity is about to kick in high gear here for just a moment...my doctor told me that my body would go through some major changes after everything drops and heals. The swelling is gradually going away and this morning I was looking at my incisions and my bruise, just checking things out and I noticed my torso again....my shape is coming back....my body is gradually returning to me.

I've never been a vain person...looks have never meant shit to me...I was always comfortable in my skin and honestly that's what shows the most...if guys didn't want me b/c of the extra cushion that I was pushing...then they didn't deserve me.

I've dated the Brad Pit's and the Michael Cera's...and honestly, the Michael Cera's kicked way more ass in the common decency department. Looks don't mean anything...but hygiene does!

So anyway...feeling more like myself now...bought my halloween costume yesterday...so that's my update...I'm off to boredomville until something exciting comes my way.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

BILL NYE THE SCIENCE GUY


I don't know about any of you but I used to live for his show...they use to play it on PBS but stopped...and I recently found out that his science show aired until 2003....BUT....I couldn't sleep last night and my mother has cable and they now have a Green channel...anyway....Bill Nye has a new show on there now called "Stuff Happens"....it made me happy. I love this guy...it's maybe where my love for the odd balls rooted from...


Sunday, October 12, 2008

Post-Surgery Update

My surgery lasted a little over 4 hours...the doctor said that it was very grueling...he said that an average size uterus is 74 grams and mine was over 700...he said that when he removed all the fibroids it was as if removing a two pound roast from my abdomen...if you can believe that one. The cyst was also removed...now they are waiting for the results of the biopsies.

I didn't get back into my room until after 9pm Wed night. I got sick twice wich busted one of my stiches open...the first night sucked pretty bad...I got to go home Thursday but it wasn't a fun trip home.

I decided to come out to my mom's house b/c dealing with the stairs up to my apartment seemed too damn hard. It's Sunday now...still out here...we had a problem with one of my incisions last night...the bruising became pretty massive so the doctor has put me on bed rest, I am supposed to go and see him tomorrow. My fever comes and goes...but for the most part I'm doing okay.

I'm ready to go home, ready for the swelling to go down so I can wear normal clothes again, ready to love on my sweet Sadey...but I'm patient, trying to be anyway.

I got a letter in the mail from Unemployment, they are requesting an investigation on me...so I'm not sure what's going to happen with that.

OH..on a happy note...I still have my womanly what nots...so, yay.

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

JUST BREATHE


I think that my brain is numb from preparing for tomorrow...if I knew exactly what was going to happen then I don't feel that I would be as worried, but the not knowing is what is keeping me a little on the edge.

I spoke to everyone that I needed to speak to today...I love my boys. My dad is driving down in the morning...then we play the waiting game. I should be home Thursday. If I feel up to it, I will post an update. So until then, I love you guys.


CHEESE AND CRACKERS!!


OKAY...I will not be defeated as of yet...I'm not giving up as of yet...Wed surgery, Thursday home, Friday I STILL WANT LA!!!

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

I LOVE THIS SONG

Incubus Warning


Pre-ops today...went out for a short time last night but succeeded to have more than two shots...tired today...need to pass these two tests than I am good as gold....yummy Incubus singer...Happy Hump Day!!! <3

Monday, September 29, 2008

SURGERY UPDATE

My surgery is scheduled for October 8th at 1:30pm. He had to rearrange his schedule for me...lol...leave it to me to be difficult...he thinks that he can save my uterus and just perform a mylamectamy...or however you spell it...removal of the fibroids and cyst.

So...Goodbye LA...Goodbye Dave Foley...*cries*...I so wish that it could have worked around my trip, but he said no. So anyway...wish me luck.

Friday, September 26, 2008

DREAM TIME THEATER

Two nights in a row I have dreamt about zombies...I had several dreams last night but the only one that sticks in my head is the one that I had after I woke up at 430am.

My Aunt Kathy's house in Wichita Falls was known for it's ghostly nature...for those of you who don't believe in ghosts or hauntings, trust me, this one was legit. I saw my first ghost there and strange things would happen...glasses would move by themselves, the lights would shut on and off by themselves, doors would open and shut and it was just creepy as all get out. They moved out of the house in the mid 90's...

So in my dream I was house sitting, it was in the dead of winter and blizzard like conditions. The layout of the house wasn't exact in my dream...I was laying on the couch and could see into the kitchen and noticed that the pitcher that was sitting in the middle of the stove moved...I sat up thinking that my eyes were playing tricks on me but it kept moving then it fell over.

I went to wake my mother up but she didn't pay any mind to it and told me to go back to bed. The next morning everyone had left and I was there alone...in which I always made a point to never be alone in that house.

I went into the kitchen to make something to eat and the pitcher was upside down, every time I would get something out of the cupboard, turn my back and it would be gone, placed at the other end of the kitchen or in the dining room...it was fucking with my head.

I went out the front door and there was snow everywhere...I walked back into the living room and all the pictures were turned upside down, the cross on the wall was turned upside down and hung backwards...this was really freaking me out...the phones stopped working and I couldn't find my cell phone.

People finally rolled into the house and I was so scared at this point that I wanted to leave...so by the time I showed them the living room I told them that I needed to find my phone...we decided to go into the back part of the house...in which that was the worse part of the house...cold spots...nobody liked going back there...so we did...we all huddled together and went into the back bedroom and into the laundry room...we found cell phones that were taken apart but none of them were mine...all I felt was evil all around me...then I woke up.

Oy Vey...I hate having dreams like that.

My throat is scratchy today...it started yesterday but it is worse today. I can't get sick right now. Anything that is going to postpone my surgery is going to piss me off.

Thursday, September 25, 2008


Sooooo....I feel very good right now....well I feel that I shouldn't hold my breath for too long b/c I might die of suffocation...but whatever. Here are the results...

My brainy nurse friends, explain to me in sizes that I can understand because I have no idea how big a cm is and no i don't have a ruler...

My uterus is enlarged measuring 9.3x10x21.5 cm.....I have one fibroid that measures at 3.5 cm and additional ones all around that measure anywhere from 2-3.5 cm. On my left ovary there is a cyst that measures 7x3.5cm.

Whatever that means...no, I know what it means. I have an appointment with a surgeon on Monday....OH YEAH!!! That soon....I was afraid I would have to wait to see this guy...but he is going to go over this procedure....a robotic laparoscopic hysterectomy....if I spelled that right...anyway, it's less abrasive than the actual cutting of the abdomen.

Now my doctor said that I had many options as far as what to do...He said that if it weren't for the massive cyst on my ovary then he would steer me clear of the hysterectomy but it looks like that will have to happen...BUT...the surgeon may have other ideas.

They did other girlie tests on me which for the boys I won't elaborate...so we still have to keep our fingers crossed that there isn't ANY cancer in my body.

I woke up this morning feeling really good...got a little tweeky from my mother freaking out but I feel better now. Plan on partaking in Happy Hour today but I'm going to be a good girl. I don't have the energy or the desire to be bad anymore.

So on a happy note...a new development:

I love Peewee Herman


Wednesday, September 24, 2008


I feel that talking is over rated, sometimes you can get more said by not saying a word...or at least that is how I feel. I can tell what someone is thinking/feeling by their eyes...unless they have a floater, then that makes it a wee bit difficult.

If it weren't for a couple of people I could go days without talking and I am fine by that. I get tired of it, sometimes it can be exhausting.

Sometimes I wish that I was one of those type of people who didn't think or care about anything...I have a crooked emotional heart and that can be a curse. If I had a penis maybe things would be different, but my luck I'd be gay...if that were the case Liam would be my role model.

No I'm not having a gray day...no I'm not pining over anything...I'm just here.

Monday, September 22, 2008

SO I LIED...

ME WITHOUT YOU



This isn't a technical post but I love this movie. And feel that it should be shared...so the movie does revolve around two friends but the under lining story is between Holly and Nat...I found this movie shortly after I had written the short version of my book and their characters reminded me a lot of the two main characters of my book...so those of you who don't mind watching a semi chick flick, then check it out.

Saturday, September 20, 2008

I had a little bit of a scare last night...I had the worst panic attack ever in my life...at the end of my last blog I had said that my heart was racing 90 to nothing...it was the damn tea that kicked it off...I get done writing...enter into James' world, head for bed...decided to watch The Incredibles but fell asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow. Around 2am it woke me from a dead sleep...my heart was pounding so hard and so fast....

You know usually when I have panic attacks...I have my certain typical routine on calming myself down...but nothing was working...after taking a xanex and avoiding the desire to throw up and faint around 4am I call my mom...wake her poor soul up...God I felt bad.

My heart was beating 143 beats a minute, I could feel the xanex kicking in but every time I would sit down or lay down, it got worse. So she wanted to take me to the ER because she was afraid because it wasn't letting up...we did the count thing like 3 times and when it finally calmed down to 130 beats a minute, I felt better.

So around 540am I lay down...she's making coffee...it had finally stopped...so I told her that I would try to sleep and if it started again that I would call her. And thank heavens it didn't.

Wow...lol...I get panic attacks once or twice a year if that...I'm usually a pretty calm person...but that scared the shit out of me.

Im a little irritated today...I told myself that when I arrived at Clicks and saw him that I wasn't going to be an ass and ignore him b/c for real, what would be the point in that?? Nothing happened...oh but I did...but it didn't last long...I got over my hangover and I felt more like myself...happy, happy, joy, joy.

You know what I want to know...when did this conversion take place?? All I know is one day all I can think of is he is the sexiest thing I have ever seen, to me being gone for five months, to him losing his girl friend (which I was shocked when I found that out...and felt very bad for him) to me being in the darkest mood possible and just by the mere glance of his face just made my day. Diane used to make fun of me...she would tell me she could always tell he was around before she saw him just by my face...I don't typically do this, fall for people...especially when nothing is there to fall for. I have the utmost respect for him...but I kick myself in the ass b/c it never should have gotten to this point. It blind sided me. He knocked Wicko out of my head and I never thought that would be humanly possible.

Wicko laughed at me yesterday and poked fun at the not so typical Crystal that I was being...he told me to do my thing...stop thinking is what he says...so I have decided to do just that...the switch is turned off...my witty banter is turned back on, I have been fully restored so there is no turning back now.

No more blogs until Thursday. Thursday is the day my results should be in...So until then.

Friday, September 19, 2008

BENEDRYL IS MY FRIEND...

So I survived another night out...yeah, yeah...I just got done drinking the pink stuff and I am listening to 'do you sleep' by lisa loeb...or however you spell her name...I love this song.

I slid away ever so gracefully from a drunken mack attack...for real...some of the lines that boys dish out these days are so sad...and a married boy at that...as if...what ever rumor you heard about me at pratt is NOT true...so fuck off....lol...no really...I feel sorry for their wives, but for real...give me some credit.

So, here we are again...not drunk like I was last night...sadly I didn't grab hold of that buzz that I wanted so desperatly...and I didn't try to kiss any boys either...so all in all, I can say that it was a good night.

But I do hate it when people try to get all serious on me...or judge me for that matter...I really hate it when people try to disect my brain, you know because some of the shit that they come up with just really makes me laugh...I know that I am analytical...so sue me...but I am fun...and am proud of it.

It's cold in my apartment...I really can't wait to find freedom on the road...I really need to start writing again...but crazy dave stole my words...thank you sweet heart.


Rules that I need to abide by:

Stay away from red heads
Maintain the two shot rule
Forgive pretty smiles
Get out of Pratt mode
Love as hard as you can
Laugh often
Remember to know when to let go


My heart is racing 90 to nothing...but that's what I get for drinking tea this late. So I need to crawl into my feathered bed now and sleep...hopefully dream well tonight...it would be nice.

BREATHE


Yes the kissy face returns...I thought that I had retired them, but apparently last night was proof that I didn't...oh my...but they are in trouble today...they went somewhere they shouldn't of last night...it's that damn devil juice.

I am strictly banning myself from Caves...as of right now.

Today I could live in the shower...I am so ready to get these things out of my belly...I want my skinny body back...I miss my skinny body. The last couple of days my appetite has been that of a bird...I can't eat.

Oh but I have some happy news...my dad called me Wed night to see how my doctors appointment went and he told me that he started to read my book. He had my step mom print it out and he is slowly reading it...he says that so far he likes what he has read. This man's opinion is everything to me...his brutal honesty...and that in his line of work he can give me the criticism that I need...the only bad thing is that I have changed it since I sent him the copy that he has...so I told him that when he gets down to the bottom two chapters to let me know and I'll send them to him. God, that made me so happy...made my week.

So I passed up a road trip offer with him today...he is in Fort Worth right now, about to drive to Tyler...but I have too much stuff to do around here so I regretfully declined.

I have a date with the hair of the dog at 4:00 today...I don't even know why I'm going. But I have to take advantage of being able to go out while I can b/c I have no idea what is about to happen with my life. I may be having surgery soon...I hope anyway...

My closing note to myself: Stop being so damn serious!!

FOR REAL!!!!


Lock my mouth shut and throw away the key...I hereby ground myself until further notice. What the fuck was I thinking????

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

OKIE DOKIE

I had my sonogram today...she said that my uterus is compacted with these crazy tumors...I have a small colony inhabiting quite snugly right now. She said that she could count five so far, there may be more but the massive size that they were she couldn't tell.

I won't find out the result from the sonogram until next Thursday...may be sooner, but that is my next scheduled appointment.

My doctor has prescribed me some xanex to help me stay calm...well rested...and all that jazz. I feel a lot better from Monday...she told me a lot of things that soothed my brain...and being able to see them was very shocking...but it did set me at ease.

Anyway, thanks to all of you that have been there for me...love you guys bunches. xoxo

Monday, September 15, 2008

HMMMM.....

This is going to be a heavy one, so be for warned.

Last week I was laying in bed and felt something strange around my abdomen area...something somewhat in similarity to a two fisted knot in size...didn't think anything of it at the time...thinking that maybe I was constipated b/c of my medication...so I had my friend Diane come over the next day to feel it...she was questioning but no alarms went off until my mother felt it on Friday. I woke up this morning and scheduled an apt with my doctor.

I'm sitting there for the longest time with a paper sheet strapped across my lap thinking that waiting rooms are supposed to be before you go into the actual diagnostic room...when the trusty doctor walked in and asked me how I was...I told him that I would feel better when he told me that I wasn't dying from this knot in my stomach. I lye down on the table and he began to knead at my belly and cocked his head in an...hmmm...sort of fashion.

He tells me that the 'mass' is in my abdomen and wondered if I could be pregnant....I laughed and said no....he said that it seemed that I had a uterine fibroid tumor in my abdomen the size of two small grapefruits. But he wanted to do a pregnancy test just to be on the safe side. He did and surprise, surprise the results said no....he said that I had a 20 weeks size uterus....meaning that my stomach looks pregnant b/c of what is growing there...sexy right...lol

I told him that I have lost 25 pounds and I didn't understand why my stomach still looked the way it did...he said, well now you know why. Then he proceeds to ask me if I have any kids, I say no...then he asks, 'well do you plan on having any?' I said that the thought crossed my mind and said no, but then again I did have time and he said that no I didn't....that if it is as big as he suspects then I would have to have a hysterectomy. He also said that the majority of these tumors were benign. So I think, okay....benign, benign, benign...click my heels three times and pray like I have never prayed before that it is benign.

I have an internal sonogram scheduled for Wednesday to hopefully give me a little bit more clarity on this sticky situation....but still laugh b/c for real....this is so my luck.

I feel like this is all a dream, someone else's nightmare...I am staying positive...once again it is not in my hands...it is in God's hands...and I really pray like mad that he is having a good day that day.

I will keep things posted...for those of you who still read this...please keep me in your thoughts...I need all the good thoughts/prayers that are feesably possible right now.

Sunday, September 14, 2008

IT'S A DONE DEAL


October 10th at 11:35am, I will be headed for LA, California.

Thursday, September 11, 2008

SLEEP ANYONE??

I really hate knowing that I am the only one awake at this hour...sober anyway. I just got done watching Foxfire and have the worse case of bed head known to the history of man.

My trip to LA seems like it will be Oct 10-17th. We found out that Bruce is performing on Saturdays at the Steve Allen Theater through October 14th...so I am super excited. We still have some details to iron out but it looks like the deal is sealed. So watch out Dave...lol. I shot James an email letting him know and that I would confirm when it is necessary. He said that he is working pretty hard on making FS into a movie..so yay for him!! I am super proud of him!!

My brain is going 90 to nothing. I've been doing pretty good on sleeping the last two weeks so this is really coming out of no where. I got my checks from TWC today so yay!! Now just waiting for the 16th so I can get my severence and buy the trusty car that will allow me to be free again.

One of my first destinations that I plan on going to is the kimball art museum. One of my favorite paintings is in that museum and I haven't been there in ages. It's one of their regulars...

The Anger of Achilles
Photobucket Image Hosting

It's nothing spectacular, but when viewed in person....WOW....the one with the crown on his head...his eyes are amazing...he's crying. I'm an artsy fartsy type of girl...sorry if this bores you...but I am really looking forward to this. I've lost touch with my gallery hags, but it's all good, I don't mind going alone.

Monday, September 8, 2008

I'm half awake, I know it's almost 9:30 but I didn't get to sleep till almost 3. I finally talked to Holly about her trip in Toronto last night, my mind is at ease. I am happy to report that Dave in deed remembered me before he got on the phone with me...'cheese and crackers' is what she said he said. Yeah, he remembered the offering table...that makes me smile.

I woke up craving an orange fanta, went down to the vending machine, put my buck 25 in and my luck, they were out so I had to go with a diet coke, which is okay, but I am really craving an orange soda. I walked my tired self back upstairs, made my bed that was still warm, lit my candles and noticed my puffy eyes in the mirror and now I am sitting here thinking about the conversation that I had with my dad last night and am wondering why we can not have a decent conversation without biting at each other.

I know that I have a tweekie voice, I know that there are times that I can not control the pitch in my tone and that it often comes out as bitchy and defensive. I have tried so hard for so many years to be aware of this...b/c it happens at moments when I'm fine...just like my facial expressions...I'm not mad...but it looks like I am...it's kind of exausting sometimes trying to control all these things. When I was studying theatre my teacher helped out a lot with these, and ironically so did my dad...whatever beside the point.

So he is the only one in this world that can still make me feel like the biggest uber f**k up in the world. And I know in my heart of hearts that he means well...but we are so much alike that we only become a match of bumping cars.

So I fight the urge to want to fall apart today...even though I am fine with this lay off thing...but I get this email from my step mother:

"To get something you never had, you have to do something you never did." When God takes something from your grasp, He's not punishing you, but merely opening your hands to receive something better. Concentrate on this sentence... "The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you."

And I know this. It's really the only thing that is keeping me glued. But it would really be nice to have a simple conversation with my dad...for once, you know, a 'how are ya, how is school, have you read my book, oh yeah, what did you think...' but that will never happen. And what he doesn't know is that I worship the ground he walks on, he is the sole reason on why I started to write, he gave me my first blank book, it all started because of him. But imagination and words can only get you so far with someone. This I know to be true.

I'm not a little girl anymore...I'm not even that ecstatic teenager either, so I've made mistakes, who hasn't...but move on, forgive me, b/c lord knows that I have forgiven him. It's life, it's what we have to do in order to survive. So, for real, please stop reminding me...stop throwing the past in my face, I have moved on...so why can't he??

This is too heavy for a Monday morning blog. I thought about Liam when I woke up this morning...and I am taking his advice, I'm going to be lazy today...crawl back into Dawson's Creek until this raincloud is removed from over my head.

Oh and just for a side note...I will not move back to Wichita Falls for the mere fact of me losing my job...I want to move back on my terms, not b/c involuntarily failure drove me there...b/c if that were the case, I would resent it. So there, I've said my peace.

Sunday, September 7, 2008

THEN AND NOW

When I went to the falls over the holliday Tobi Gail and I went through the old cedar chest looking for some old pictures for my mother and I found a few of me that I thought were share worthy. And might just explain a little about me...


The Rag

I'm not sure how old I was, maybe a little over a year...yeah you notice the coors beer can in the back ground...lol...oh if you only knew. There are pictures of me somewhere in a dryer...more than one mind you at several different ages. I always thought that it was mean but they claim to have done it to compare how small I was. I was two months premature...whatever...I am still convinced that my sister shut the door and turned it on...lol


The Mischievous Face


Taken at Olan Mills...For real...I don't see myself in this girl at all anymore....But Diane says that I still have that look on my face. My eyes were more popping blue and look at that tan....and the blonde hair...man alive...I'm all pasty white now...jeese!!!


Kid Fears

I am surprised that I never accumulated a fear of Santa Clause b/c FOR REAL...what is up with this guy!!! He has makeup on...when I first saw this picture I laughed my ass off...I thought it may have been my dad but my dad has blue eyes...so I have no clue. My mother couldn't figure it out either...but really. Crazy shit.


The one we are all forced to love...tehe...


I shot this today after a misjudgment of hair dye color...a tad bit more darker than I anticipated, but whatever. I would like to say that I kicked some ass in dominoes last night but in all fairness it was an equal battle...Went shopping today...Victoria Secret's...bought a new bra, found out I dropped a cup size *gasps* but if that's what I get for losing 25 pounds, then so be it...but it still saddens me. I'm home now, bored as per usual, but what else is new. So, anyway...enjoy a good laugh on me. xoxo

Saturday, September 6, 2008

OKAY....

This last week was chocked full of hangovers, tears and laughter...thank heavens it ended in laughter because I am surprised that Wednesday night wasn't the death of me...not literally but mentally.

Anywho...at Diane's again, she is cooking ribs and I am waiting to kick some ass at dominoes. I applied for some more jobs today...one being a purchasing position so we will see.

Went car shopping Thursday...slowly dragging my gimpy leg from Wed. night shenanigans, I found a few prospects, but we will see.

We are at Clicks Thursday as per usual for good ole trusty happy hour and I begin to get texts from Holly...she is in Toronto to witness the kids get their star in Canada...anyway as luck seems to boil out of her...we are leaving the bar and she calls me...oh but it wasn't her on the other end of the phone...it was...drum roll...Dave Foley...yes my husband.

He asks for me, I smile knowing that it is him but he still feels the need to say who it is...and I tell him "it's about damn time you call me"....I was grinning from ear to ear wishing like mad that I was there. We talked for some time...he remembered me from Dallas....chit chat chit chat and it was over. Then I talked to Bruce last night...but for real...I love my Dave.

I am begining to suffer from unendurable amounts of boredom at home. I swear if I clean anymore there will be no paint left to speak of.

Not much of an update...my posts have been pretty cut and dry....I have some pictures of me as a kiddo that I want to post but have to wait until I'm home to do that.

As always...xoxo...much love.

Monday, September 1, 2008


I had my mother drop me off at Diane's yesterday morning after the trip back from the falls...spent the day and she dropped me off around 9ish last night...I check my mail before hand and OMG YAY!!! My severance check came in!!! Oh holy hell...I danced my way back to her car almost pissing myself from the excitement. I don't have to worry about borrowing money from my parents, I can get my car now, buy groceries...I am so very happy!!! And I slept like a baby last night.

God you guys, you have no clue what it's been like this last month. You all know the bullshit I had to endure while I was on medical leave, but this has been way harder. I am glad that I had the hardships I did for those 5 months b/c I learned how to truly be patient and not to fret over the things that I have absolute no control over. I am so thankful for Diane b/c I don't know what I would have done without her. Now I'm not out of the woods yet, I am so totally aware of that...but I know things will get better...they have to.

My net will be back on in no time....I can breathe....the raincloud is gone and sunshine is back!!!

Saturday, August 30, 2008

oh me oh my

I have some suggestions...never go to bed with a wet head, never go out drinking the night before you have a road trip planned and keep all cell phones and computers away from me while anebriated. LOL...that should be a cardinal rule.

I'm still at D's house, ignoring my blog down below, I'm not deleteing it so get over it. I'm eating coa-coa puffs...I still get all giddy when I go to someones house and they have sugary cereal...we weren't allowed to eat it growing up, I still don't buy it so my mouth gets a semi breakfast vacation when it is available.

oh keep me in your throughts today...lord knows I will need it....first off for traveling with my mother (her driving scares the shit out of me) and secondly for the farce of a wedding that I will be attending...seriously, they shouldn't let just anybody get married.

I'm worried about my friends in NOLA...I really hope this hurricane derails from you guys...you will be in my thoughts.

I have to attempt to wake up Diane now...lol...I feel like shit...put on a happy face and deal.

5AM

Too early to be awake and for me too late for sleep...damn I can't seem to win these days.

In 5 hours I will be headed to Wichita and I wish more now than any other time that I would be going to bed and going to sleep because I feel that I could only because I have been drinking. We left the bar 3 hours ago and I have been in the pool ever since, now I am in Diane's backyard typeing what ever seems to be what ever this is....

To read in between the lines is what someone taught me how to do many years ago and I never thought that I was the type of person to do just that...I have always been a matter of fact type of girl but I seemed to have lost my way tonight.

You see, when you have worked for such a place that I have worked for the last 11 years you learn to grow a thick skin...you learn to realize that people will base certain theories and rumors on who you are based on what they hear or materialize and knowing such things, you tend to shut yourself off and be who they want you to be. Oh hell, that made no sense what so evever...but just bare with me because I'm trying here.

I like a certain someone...and mind you in Pratt world I'm not supposed to...and certainly I'm not supposed to act on those feelings b/c there are still lurking eyes lingering still waiting for me to muck up...and maybe I am reading into deep...which I tend to do, but if I could do it all over again when asked for me to stop speaking in between the lines, I would have kissed him...maybe...or at least it is what I wanted to do...I hesitated longer than I should have, but that's me...thinking, yeah your drunk, yeah, whatever, yeah you go home, yeah whatever, yeah like he will honestly remember this in the morning...

Because if I would have, it would have changed everything and it is so much easier to forget when you are not around...it's so much easier to forget that moment that you were in b/c you were drinking...and I didn't want to be that girl...so easily forgoten or to be filed away as a drunken moment. Because in all truth...he means the world to me and I don't know why...it baffles me but he does. I worked for him for the amount of years that I did, but it was work, there was no personal time there, and I feel, honestly that there never will be. And if I am wrong, prove me wrong.

I will hold that moment forever and want it again like mad again in the future, but I know it will never happen again. It's almost six now....fuck me....I wish I could sleep you know...wrap my arms tightly around someone who cares...the sandman is a twisted fuck in my head right now...my dreams give me more comfort than reality does...and I spit sometimes at Pratt for making me the jaded woman that I am.

Thursday, August 28, 2008

VERY STRANGE DREAM

I slept for about 50 minutes now...and I mean I really slept hard, which THANK YOU!!! Just wish it was longer...so okay, surprise, surprise, very strange dream.

I'm out at my mother's house dog sitting, it had gotten freakishly cold outside. My cousin Tobi Gail had come down for a class and was hanging out before she had to go back to the falls. For some reason there was construction going on in the back bedroom and Lukas, two friends of his, his sister (which was Lori Dori) and one of the construction workers.

I was trying to find something for Tobi to eat when my mother called and I smelled eggs burning, when I turned around she had turned one of the burners on with the carton of eggs sitting on the stove (my mother has one of those flat top ovens) I hurried up and moved them before they caught fire, mom was yelling in my ear some sort of 'I need to know' rules but accidently hung up on her.

Now there is a couch in the kitchen, where the refrigerator is now, and I was sitting next to Lori Dori (Lukas' sister, not too sure if he even as one), she was giving me a manicure, she was glueing nails on top of mine, and doing a horrible job at it, but I didn't want to be rude so I let her to continue on. Glue was all over my hands and nails were everywhere. She had gotten upset and Lukas was ready to go. They were heading back to Dallas. He was shouting out some things to the construction worker and was heading toward the front door, he bent behind the chair to grab his back when I noticed that he cut his hair. It was really short in the back and a tad long on front...and it was silver...I commented on it and you know how guys are...but when he stood up is when I really noticed something strange...His hair was like tiny newspaper clippings...it was like he had the classifieds on his head but it was real hair...very, very strange.

So he opens the door, one of his friend walks out into the yard, Lukas proceeds to make sure that I know what to do while everyone is gone...I wasn't paying attention b/c I was talking to his friend that was still in the house about how cold it was and that it had started to snow. Lukas began to poke my chest (that sensitive annoying spot) so I turned toward him and he told me that if anything happens to call him, he would be no problem. So they left.

The cable goes out. The construction worker comes from the back of the house and I was startled that he was still there...he was a red headed burly man, looked more like a lumber jack. He said he needed to use my phone b/c his had gotten wet, he took me to the middle room and there was a foot of water coming from the far corner of the room. I walked into the guest bathroom and the ceiling caved on me soaking me with cold water. At this point I couldn't remember what my mother or Lukas had told me to do so I let the dogs go out to use the restroom...Tobi and I sat down on the couch to watch cartoons, I was sopping wet and freezing my ass off. I forgot about the dogs and when I let them in we had a weenie dog and a yorky....I'm thinking when did this happen??? Last I knew we only had a lab...

That's when my phone rang. Now I'm awake and will now clean the kitchen for my mother before she comes home.

Not a relevant dream, but it was strange, and for me to have it in such a short time frame, I wasn't asleep an hour.

Okay...Don't let my previous three posts get buried...you can ignore the Witching Hour one, but my update is below that one. Things get buried pretty easily here...I'm thinking about changing my format. Anyway, ta-ta.

THE WITCHING HOUR

Eban Shletter's Witching Hour



This is something that I found on The Kids In The Hall's Live Journal...only b/c my Dave is involved...it's pretty interesting....I listened to it last night...Dave's contribution is track 19...

Any of you who like musicals I am sure will love this...let me know what you think



Wednesday, August 27, 2008

LONG AWAITED UPDATE

So I am out at my mom and David's house, sitting in their sweltering hot ass garage b/c I fear that my nails clanking on the keyboard will wake everyone up. They have wireless now so I am able to bring my computer out here and get things done.

I have blogged several mundane ramblings but will not pierce your eyes with the boredom...so thank me now. I've posted a dream below that I feel needs to be shared b/c seriously I have no clue where this shit comes from.

As most of you know I am unemployed now...since the 6th of August...and let me tell you it sucks. The insomnia monster is really loving this one let me tell ya. I try to go to bed at a decent time, sometimes I take something and sometimes I wing it...but 3-4am still rolls around to being my nap time, then noon, then the cycle repeats itself. So I come out here to get some things done, or just to have company or to have food in my greatly growing belly...and since they usually go to sleep around 830-9 and wake up around 4am...I get quite bored and even more sleep depraved...I'm not complaining by any means, I love the company, but I really want to sleep.

I have applied to 12 jobs so far and not one bite. I'm still waiting on my unemployment money to roll in and my severance package. Money really needs to start rolling in b/c that is what is really needed. All my bills are due right now and I don't have a cent to pay them. But that's okay, I am remaining calm and patient...I can't control this situation so no need on cashing in any anxiety tokens.

I have started tinkering with my second book...I'm playing around with the characters right now...I'm not going to dive in like I did with my last one...and as far as that one goes...for those who have read it...well one of you actually...it is being put on hold right now. I know, I know...but seriously, I need a break. They are driving me mad.

I've been watching Dawson's Creek...I'm almost done with Season 5...it's not bad. There have been several moments where I have wanted to shoot Dawson between his eyes and suffocate Joey with a pillow, but I love Pacey...Joshua Jackson...mad crush on him...somehow makes it all worth while, that and it suffices my boredom. I can't wait for my net to get turned back on.

So I was watching How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days, but paused it to blog. I am sure most of you have forgotten about this...I am sure Liam still checks it frequently. I miss you bunches Liam. Looks like I will be missing you next year as well...one of these days our paths will cross hon!!

So it's 10:30 now...it's really hot in here so I will exit for now. I'll try to be more frequent with my posts.

I love you guys and miss you very much!!!
xoxo

OH and let me just clarify a premature ejaculation of words about that certain new queer eyed boy that I met...yeah...I retract every word.

I'm still wondering where have all the good men gone???

DREAM TIME THEATER

Dream from Tuesday, August 12, 2008

This is going to be hard to explain, but I’ll do my best. It revolves around a jewel, convenient store, a bar, an Indian themed spa and an obstacle course.

Casey Affleck and Liv Tyler were my roommates. Our house was amazing, a little strange though. If you are in a convenient store and you walk back toward the bottled section, open one of the doors and that led to our house. I was working the night shift b/c Casey and Liv had gone out, I had gone into the house to get something and I heard a loud commotion coming from the store. Nobody knew about our house, so I was safe just watching, or so I thought.

I quietly walked up to the door and these guys were tearing the store apart, speaking in another language, I had no idea what they were saying. I noticed one of them walk toward the soda section and I stepped backward for fear that they would see me and I knocked over a case of cans, I ran into the house to try and get out but the only real way out was through the store.

They made it into the house, and one of them got a hold of me, by my hair I was dragged and thrown against the bookshelves with a gun to my head they demanded to know where the jewel was. I had no idea what they were talking about, I was crying, scared for my life, but I told them that I would get it for them, if they let me go, I would cooperate. They turned around to discuss it and I escaped, barely.

I’m in a bar now, it kind of looks like the sky bar here in Dallas, Everyone prissily sipping their martinis and I walk in looking like a two bit whore off of Division street. My hair was ratty, my makeup was streaming down my face, my shirt was torn, I found Liv and when I noticed Jason sitting at a table not far from where she was I had began to panic even more b/c I hadn’t seen him in years and for some stupid reason, it still crushed me to see him.

She took me into the bathroom and it was like magic, I was restored. I got myself a drink and began to tell her what had happened. She had no clue either what jewel it was they were talking about, but then she remembered that Casey had been acting a little strange so we set out to look for him. He had walked in as we were leaving and then the men showed up as well…we escaped though and were hiding out at the spa.

The spa was like a new world. It was like we were literally in India. We were in white bathrobes and taken to the back where all the baths were, any type of bath you can take it was back there. This place was like a celebrity hide-out…it was fucking awesome.

Johnny Depp was my relaxation guide…lol…oh you would think that would have made my life the happiest ever, but for some reason I found myself with Bruce Willis. I left Johnny to attempt to bump uglies with Bruce Willis…what the hell is wrong with me…lol.

Okay, so the bath that we had was up on a platform, we were sitting on the edge. Liv and I were talking, she was pissed off at Casey b/c of the trouble that he had caused and Bruce just wedged his way in between us and was hitting on me. I became entranced with him. He was like a drug, He took the towel off my hair, whispering things in my ear, kissing my neck, the only time that we kissed kissed his tongue tasted like a cigar, but his lips were sweet. We were just about to get to that point and then those guys showed up and we had to leave immediately.

So we wound up leaving…we are now at some type of obstacle course, like the ones that you see on these silly reality shows, but in order to get away from these guys we had to do it. But we had to choose what animal to try and run from, I saw a grizzly bear and my first instinct was to run, so I did. The bear began to chase me and I froze, crying. This lady distracts the bear and says she will find another animal, I begin up these old rotting stairs that leads up to the trees and I hear this vicious dogs barking, I turn around and there were two dogs, A rotwaller and a pit/rot mix…I love rotwallers but this was not a nice dog, neither one of them were. Then I notice Bruce from down below screaming my name and they were on camels, he told me to swing down and we could leave. It was so far down and I am petrified of heights, but there were two rabid dogs coming toward me so I found a branch and managed somehow to swing down and landed on the camel. We are now running through town on these camels, running from these guys who are trying to kill us, and then I wake up.

It was very strange, I’m just happy that I am dreaming again.

Sunday, August 3, 2008

URBAN LEGENDS

When I was in 3rd or 4th grade I would always stay the night with my friend Carrie White...I have no idea what has happened to her in life, but my most memorable moments at her house were telling scary stories, or now what people would call Urban Legends.

The one that stood out the most was The China Doll. She told this story so well b/c even as a 9-10 year old she had insanely long fingernails...for some reason I had this story in my head at work on Friday and googled it, and found it.

The funny thing is, this story never scared me. I never had nightmares b/c of it...and it didn't prevent me from getting rid of my own china dolls...and I had 4 growing up as a child. So I thought that I would share the story with you. I hope you enjoy it.



THE CHINA DOLL

A woman's husband had sent her a gift of a china doll while he was traveling in the Orient, which she put in a glass case in her bedroom. The doll had lovely black hair - real human hair - and was dressed in a real silk kimono, the folds of which concealed her graceful porcelain hands.

When the husband came home, the woman got pregnant, but she didn't love her husband and didn't want to have the baby (she only cared about his money). So she made herself have a miscarriage, and to hide the evidence, she put the aborted fetus into the hollow interior of the china doll.

The blood of the fetus, combined with the woman's malevolence and the china doll's human hair (and innate Eastern mystical properties), caused the china doll to come to "life." No one noticed that the china doll's hair was growing down the back of her silk kimono, that her cheeks were rosier, and that her nails were growing sharp and clawed behind the folds of her gown. No one noticed the way the doll's eyes followed the woman as she moved around the room, or how they glowed at night when the lights were turned off.

The woman did sense something out of the ordinary, however, and finally insisted that the china doll be moved downstairs, out of the bedroom. After a few weeks, the woman began to lose sleep, imagining that she heard scratching, rustling, whispering noises coming from downstairs, that seemed to be calling "Momma... momma!" She noticed scratches on the wooden stairs, which her husband said must be from mice, but the exterminator he called said there was no sign of rodents. The woman tried to lock the china doll in a closet, but the husband protested - it had been so expensive, was such a work of art, and he wanted it out on display.

Every day, there were a few more scratches on the stairs, and every day they got deeper.. and reached one step higher. One night as she tried to sleep, the woman imagined she heard scratching and rustling outside the bedroom door. She screamed for her husband to turn on the light, but by the time he fumbled out of bed, there was nothing there... except for some long shallow scratches at the bottom of the door and the faintest silken whisper from down the stairs.

The next night the woman took several strong sleeping pills and went to bed with the door shut tight, and locked for good measure. She finally got some sleep... and as she slept, the china doll stirred. Opening her glass case quietly, the china doll stole to the bottom of the stairs. Using her long sharp fingernails, she pulled herself up, one step at a time, until she was at the top of the landing. She whispered, "Momma, I'm coming!" and made her way to the door. She used her talon-like claws again to climb up the door, inserted one nail into the keyhole and jiggled the lock open, then slipped around to the woman's side of the bed.

The china doll used her nails like hooks to help her climb up onto the bed and then she slowly pulled the covers back to expose the sleeping woman's body. The doll's eyes glowed red as she raised her hands and then used her fingernails to claw open the woman's stomach. Near-paralyzed by drugs, pain, and terror, the woman screamed and screamed as the china doll climbed into her belly, whispering, "Momma, I'm home!"

Sunday, July 27, 2008

THEIR BACK!!!



Okay...so my plans kind of fell apart tonight but in a way it was okay b/c I watched season one of Queer As Folk for the third time.....so we all know how the season ends....the happy and loving dance at prom....and we all know what happens after the music is over...and no matter how many times I watch it, it still kills me and yes I still cry like a little bitch.

But I have noticed more penis cameos this go around than any of the other times that I have watched it, and I'm not really sure how that happened....but seriously....not sure why that matters, but it does.

Alexiss...I know that you had said that the last time you and Mel watched it that you two had began to see Ted as a little sexy...or was it just appealing????.....I began to sort of see it this time, until the last scene of him banging the tweeked out twinky and I remembered how pervy and icky he made me feel and it just brought back the 'he makes me want to shower' feeling...LOL

But I love love love Peter Paige...again and again and again...how he just steals my heart!!!

And another thing that I am noticing now (maybe it's b/c I know how it ends) but I do see now how it seems that it is more about Brian and Michael rather than Brian and Justin. Lets just say that I didn't cuss and scream at the tellie like I have in previous screenings....like referring to Brian as being a stupid asshole....ANYWAY...

It's almost 1am and I want to jump into the second season...but I'm not sure if I want to be up all night...lol....I still will always love Melissa for smacking me upside my head when she found out that I had never watched the show....thank you honey!!

Friday, July 25, 2008

THIS WAS ME THIS WEEK.....

kids in the hall - store clerk


Well more so like the beginning of the video was me...I was very productive, don't get me wrong....but yeah....it was one of those weeks.
(I found out that my lawyer may be dumping me)

Thursday, July 17, 2008

ALL HAIL.....

THE SHNERGAN DERGAN GOD....


Shares my birthday...who would of thought...or have known...or have cared...but it still made me laugh!!!

(thanks to wow for informing me of this news today)

Monday, July 14, 2008

UPSETTING....

I am surprised as anyone that I even let this still bother me. I was scheduled to see my doctor tomorrow for a scheduled routine visit and got a phone call from them today saying that the insurance is denying payment on any doctor's visits from here on out. The last one that I went to they are refusing to pay. So I have no idea when I will be able to see the doctor again. She told me over the phone that it will be through approval only...meaning seeing the track record that I have been dealt, that more than likely means never....

So I am almost out of one of my medications and running low on another...I called into the pharmacist to fill my scripts and not 10 minutes later I get a phone call from the pharmacy stating that the insurance has denied one of them...the one that I need the most, my pain killer. So that was it...I broke down in sobs...my mother had to calm me down over the phone. I had left my lawyer's info at home so I couldn't do anything at that point and she is no longer in the office now.

I know it has everything to do with that damn letter that so called doctor wrote by stating that my injury has nothing to do with the original injury that was spouted by the company 'doctor' that I first saw the first day of my injury...a back strain...two years ago they tried to pull this shit and the original doctor wrote a detailed letter stating that all injuries unless obviously noted will be strains...but seeing that they don't have the actual equipment to diagnose these things, that is why I was sent to a specialist...that is when the MRI was performed, that is when the discs were diagnosed as being herniated.

I am so sick of dealing with this crap. I've been denied for too much...I was okay with the denial of the surgery, hell, I was relieved...but when they gave me the run around about my injections, I crawled into my little hole. But now they are denying me of everything and it's a load of bullshit. I want to hurt these people...I want to slap the shit out of them...I want them to live through the shit that I have lived through the last 8 months and then I want them to tell me how they feel.

How it makes them feel that they can't clean their own home b/c it practically disables them, how it makes them feel that their social life is completely ruined (almost) b/c their body can't physically keep up with them anymore...that how for 3 months they survived with only getting paid twice...how it makes them feel when they find out that they almost lose their job over this...and how except for family and few friends, they don't get any support. And then when all that seems to lift just a little...see how they feel to be denied of their doctor's visits AND their pain medication. I would like to pull their teeth out and break two of their bones and tell them to deal with it cold turkey...b/c I know no one in their right mind would be able to do it.

Happy Monday to whom that it may concern...I hope you feel good tonight when you go to bed all comf and secure...I hope you sleep well at night. B/C for me...it takes three pills (sometimes they don't work), 4 pillows on either side of my body to keep me in place, an ice pack/heating pad just to get me remotely comfortable...so sleep good you bastards, you will get what you deserve.

Sunday, June 29, 2008

ANOTHER GAY SEQUEL....GAYS GONE WILD!!

Photobucket

It was released yesterday at the San Francisco International LGBT Film Festival...so I am almost 100% positive that it will not be released here in Texas...if I am wrong, please correct me.

I am a little sad that the majority of the original cast will not be returning...but yay for Johah Blechman for returning as Noci...I love him!!! So anyway...I can't wait to see this!!!

Post Secret


I liked this one...it reminds me of those assholes that purposefully wait in their car when they know that you are wanting to take their parking spot. It's like road rage for in line waiting. I don't write checks...but I do understand wanting to make certain lives miserable for a minute or two. I still need to work on my secret.

What to do...WHAT TO DO!!!

It's almost 3am and I can not find sleep freely. I have a huge headache, I'm hungry and it's way too late to eat...AND all my ladies are in LA partying with the homo-a-go go's....so not fucking fair!!! I can't wait to see the pictures though!!

So okay...a small happy for me update...Monday we had a sub receptionist answering our phones and it was a guy...had a really nice voice but it sent Diane and I curious on what had happened to Maria...and who the hell is Michael??? So we meet up for lunch with a friend of ours at the other building and question who this nice voiced guy is answering the phone...so of course I ask if he was cute...she hesitates at first and then politely, quietly responded...'i think he's gay.'....OH I got super excited and said, 'that's even better!'....woohoo....

So yes...Mike is a sweetheart...I found out that he hates being called Michael!! I don't have any pics of him as of yet but when I do I will be whoring him out to everyone so you can meet him and love him!!!

xoxo

Saturday, June 21, 2008

Dream Time Confusion

I originally woke up around 5 but refused to let my body get out of bed b/c my mind was still dreaming...it wasn't the best dream but some of it had its sweet moments.

For some reason there are two places that constantly haunt me in my dreams...the first one is Highland Oaks Apartments...the place where I grew up and my Aunt Judy's house. My Aunt Judy passed away, what was it, 4 years ago I think. But usually I have haunting dreams with her house....Anyway....

There were a bunch of us out at her house, mainly work friends but Lukas is the only one that really stands out in my head...Lukas is my ex engineer...very beautiful creature!!! So I was walking into the living room and there were no seats available, he notioned for me to sit on his lap, reluctantly, I did. I felt awkward and stopped breathing for 15 minutes, scared to move. Everyone was drinking and having fun, I was sad, trying not to cry b/c I had just found out that my cousin Laci had died...

Laci is my Aunt Judy's daughter. BUT it was as if it was Amy's death all over again...it was very confusing. I had started to tear up and started to get up from his lap and he put his arms around me and hugged me from behind. I turned around to look at him, semi-crying, and he smiled at me.

Now we are all at a bar...happy hour, post funeral...in which thank god I don't remember, he was there, still trying to make sure that I didn't break down...smiling across the room, buying me shots...he was going out of town for business at had to go back to the house to get his stuff, I went back with him and was in Laci's old room helping him collect his things...it still felt very awkward, he came over to give me a hug, he thanked me...told me not to worry everything would be fine. i told him that we needed to do happy hour again sometime...he looked at me in a crazy uh-oh way....I reassured him that I didn't mean for just us...that we should ALL do that more often b/c I miss hanging out...That was the last thing that I wanted was for him to think that I wanted him like THAT b/c it wasn't so.

So he left, I wound up going on some type of treasure hunt. I had Laci's oldest son with him leading the way. We were on some type of trail in the woods...but I kept seeing Jacob...Amy's son. I was at a dead end and when I turned to my left I saw both boys telling me not to go that way...turn around, don't look...when I looked over the rail I saw a body...not sure if was Laci or Amy but the body isn't what jarred me, it was the reinactment of their death that I saw.

Laci had on a yellow rain coat...and all I remember is her smile and her laugh and thinking in my head that I wish we had been closer than we were...and it was gutting me. I wound up breaking down, sobbing uncontrollably. Then I woke up.

So when I woke up I was a little foggy in the brain, questioning did I dream about Amy or was it all Laci...why do I keep dreaming about Lukas...not that I am complaining...fuck no I am not...but they aren't sexual dreams...they are more like fuzzy wuzzy I am here for you type of dreams...and as I am thinking of all this, I proceed to go make a pot of coffee and realize that I don't have my pajama bottoms on, knowing damn well that i did when I went to bed. So I'm confused...I go back into the room, they aren't there....they are on my bathroom floor....I don't recall taking them off at any point...very strange.

So now I am sitting here...feeling guilty as all hell b/c I haven't talked to Amy's mom since February. I know that I need to call her...desperatly need to talk to her...but it's hard, and I know that I am a reminder of Amy to her...we'd been friends for 20 years...Tereasa and Jeff (her mom and brother) were my boss's at one point...they were my extended family. She waited to pull the plug so I could see her before she passed...I was there when she left this world. And I miss her something terrible.

Grey's Anatomy killed me this season b/c it was a constant reminder of Amy...especially when that woman went into the coma...I try to avoid stuff like that. I need to bite the bullet and call her, but I may just write her a letter instead...I don't know. fuck!!

Anyway, I will leave it at that.