Dream Time Confusion

I originally woke up around 5 but refused to let my body get out of bed b/c my mind was still dreaming...it wasn't the best dream but some of it had its sweet moments.

For some reason there are two places that constantly haunt me in my dreams...the first one is Highland Oaks Apartments...the place where I grew up and my Aunt Judy's house. My Aunt Judy passed away, what was it, 4 years ago I think. But usually I have haunting dreams with her house....Anyway....

There were a bunch of us out at her house, mainly work friends but Lukas is the only one that really stands out in my head...Lukas is my ex engineer...very beautiful creature!!! So I was walking into the living room and there were no seats available, he notioned for me to sit on his lap, reluctantly, I did. I felt awkward and stopped breathing for 15 minutes, scared to move. Everyone was drinking and having fun, I was sad, trying not to cry b/c I had just found out that my cousin Laci had died...

Laci is my Aunt Judy's daughter. BUT it was as if it was Amy's death all over again...it was very confusing. I had started to tear up and started to get up from his lap and he put his arms around me and hugged me from behind. I turned around to look at him, semi-crying, and he smiled at me.

Now we are all at a bar...happy hour, post funeral...in which thank god I don't remember, he was there, still trying to make sure that I didn't break down...smiling across the room, buying me shots...he was going out of town for business at had to go back to the house to get his stuff, I went back with him and was in Laci's old room helping him collect his things...it still felt very awkward, he came over to give me a hug, he thanked me...told me not to worry everything would be fine. i told him that we needed to do happy hour again sometime...he looked at me in a crazy uh-oh way....I reassured him that I didn't mean for just us...that we should ALL do that more often b/c I miss hanging out...That was the last thing that I wanted was for him to think that I wanted him like THAT b/c it wasn't so.

So he left, I wound up going on some type of treasure hunt. I had Laci's oldest son with him leading the way. We were on some type of trail in the woods...but I kept seeing Jacob...Amy's son. I was at a dead end and when I turned to my left I saw both boys telling me not to go that way...turn around, don't look...when I looked over the rail I saw a body...not sure if was Laci or Amy but the body isn't what jarred me, it was the reinactment of their death that I saw.

Laci had on a yellow rain coat...and all I remember is her smile and her laugh and thinking in my head that I wish we had been closer than we were...and it was gutting me. I wound up breaking down, sobbing uncontrollably. Then I woke up.

So when I woke up I was a little foggy in the brain, questioning did I dream about Amy or was it all Laci...why do I keep dreaming about Lukas...not that I am complaining...fuck no I am not...but they aren't sexual dreams...they are more like fuzzy wuzzy I am here for you type of dreams...and as I am thinking of all this, I proceed to go make a pot of coffee and realize that I don't have my pajama bottoms on, knowing damn well that i did when I went to bed. So I'm confused...I go back into the room, they aren't there....they are on my bathroom floor....I don't recall taking them off at any point...very strange.

So now I am sitting here...feeling guilty as all hell b/c I haven't talked to Amy's mom since February. I know that I need to call her...desperatly need to talk to her...but it's hard, and I know that I am a reminder of Amy to her...we'd been friends for 20 years...Tereasa and Jeff (her mom and brother) were my boss's at one point...they were my extended family. She waited to pull the plug so I could see her before she passed...I was there when she left this world. And I miss her something terrible.

Grey's Anatomy killed me this season b/c it was a constant reminder of Amy...especially when that woman went into the coma...I try to avoid stuff like that. I need to bite the bullet and call her, but I may just write her a letter instead...I don't know. fuck!!

Anyway, I will leave it at that.