I'm half awake, I know it's almost 9:30 but I didn't get to sleep till almost 3. I finally talked to Holly about her trip in Toronto last night, my mind is at ease. I am happy to report that Dave in deed remembered me before he got on the phone with me...'cheese and crackers' is what she said he said. Yeah, he remembered the offering table...that makes me smile.

I woke up craving an orange fanta, went down to the vending machine, put my buck 25 in and my luck, they were out so I had to go with a diet coke, which is okay, but I am really craving an orange soda. I walked my tired self back upstairs, made my bed that was still warm, lit my candles and noticed my puffy eyes in the mirror and now I am sitting here thinking about the conversation that I had with my dad last night and am wondering why we can not have a decent conversation without biting at each other.

I know that I have a tweekie voice, I know that there are times that I can not control the pitch in my tone and that it often comes out as bitchy and defensive. I have tried so hard for so many years to be aware of this...b/c it happens at moments when I'm fine...just like my facial expressions...I'm not mad...but it looks like I am...it's kind of exausting sometimes trying to control all these things. When I was studying theatre my teacher helped out a lot with these, and ironically so did my dad...whatever beside the point.

So he is the only one in this world that can still make me feel like the biggest uber f**k up in the world. And I know in my heart of hearts that he means well...but we are so much alike that we only become a match of bumping cars.

So I fight the urge to want to fall apart today...even though I am fine with this lay off thing...but I get this email from my step mother:

"To get something you never had, you have to do something you never did." When God takes something from your grasp, He's not punishing you, but merely opening your hands to receive something better. Concentrate on this sentence... "The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you."

And I know this. It's really the only thing that is keeping me glued. But it would really be nice to have a simple conversation with my dad...for once, you know, a 'how are ya, how is school, have you read my book, oh yeah, what did you think...' but that will never happen. And what he doesn't know is that I worship the ground he walks on, he is the sole reason on why I started to write, he gave me my first blank book, it all started because of him. But imagination and words can only get you so far with someone. This I know to be true.

I'm not a little girl anymore...I'm not even that ecstatic teenager either, so I've made mistakes, who hasn't...but move on, forgive me, b/c lord knows that I have forgiven him. It's life, it's what we have to do in order to survive. So, for real, please stop reminding me...stop throwing the past in my face, I have moved on...so why can't he??

This is too heavy for a Monday morning blog. I thought about Liam when I woke up this morning...and I am taking his advice, I'm going to be lazy today...crawl back into Dawson's Creek until this raincloud is removed from over my head.

Oh and just for a side note...I will not move back to Wichita Falls for the mere fact of me losing my job...I want to move back on my terms, not b/c involuntarily failure drove me there...b/c if that were the case, I would resent it. So there, I've said my peace.