SURGERY UPDATE

My surgery is scheduled for October 8th at 1:30pm. He had to rearrange his schedule for me...lol...leave it to me to be difficult...he thinks that he can save my uterus and just perform a mylamectamy...or however you spell it...removal of the fibroids and cyst.

So...Goodbye LA...Goodbye Dave Foley...*cries*...I so wish that it could have worked around my trip, but he said no. So anyway...wish me luck.

DREAM TIME THEATER

Two nights in a row I have dreamt about zombies...I had several dreams last night but the only one that sticks in my head is the one that I had after I woke up at 430am.

My Aunt Kathy's house in Wichita Falls was known for it's ghostly nature...for those of you who don't believe in ghosts or hauntings, trust me, this one was legit. I saw my first ghost there and strange things would happen...glasses would move by themselves, the lights would shut on and off by themselves, doors would open and shut and it was just creepy as all get out. They moved out of the house in the mid 90's...

So in my dream I was house sitting, it was in the dead of winter and blizzard like conditions. The layout of the house wasn't exact in my dream...I was laying on the couch and could see into the kitchen and noticed that the pitcher that was sitting in the middle of the stove moved...I sat up thinking that my eyes were playing tricks on me but it kept moving then it fell over.

I went to wake my mother up but she didn't pay any mind to it and told me to go back to bed. The next morning everyone had left and I was there alone...in which I always made a point to never be alone in that house.

I went into the kitchen to make something to eat and the pitcher was upside down, every time I would get something out of the cupboard, turn my back and it would be gone, placed at the other end of the kitchen or in the dining room...it was fucking with my head.

I went out the front door and there was snow everywhere...I walked back into the living room and all the pictures were turned upside down, the cross on the wall was turned upside down and hung backwards...this was really freaking me out...the phones stopped working and I couldn't find my cell phone.

People finally rolled into the house and I was so scared at this point that I wanted to leave...so by the time I showed them the living room I told them that I needed to find my phone...we decided to go into the back part of the house...in which that was the worse part of the house...cold spots...nobody liked going back there...so we did...we all huddled together and went into the back bedroom and into the laundry room...we found cell phones that were taken apart but none of them were mine...all I felt was evil all around me...then I woke up.

Oy Vey...I hate having dreams like that.

My throat is scratchy today...it started yesterday but it is worse today. I can't get sick right now. Anything that is going to postpone my surgery is going to piss me off.

Sooooo....I feel very good right now....well I feel that I shouldn't hold my breath for too long b/c I might die of suffocation...but whatever. Here are the results...

My brainy nurse friends, explain to me in sizes that I can understand because I have no idea how big a cm is and no i don't have a ruler...

My uterus is enlarged measuring 9.3x10x21.5 cm.....I have one fibroid that measures at 3.5 cm and additional ones all around that measure anywhere from 2-3.5 cm. On my left ovary there is a cyst that measures 7x3.5cm.

Whatever that means...no, I know what it means. I have an appointment with a surgeon on Monday....OH YEAH!!! That soon....I was afraid I would have to wait to see this guy...but he is going to go over this procedure....a robotic laparoscopic hysterectomy....if I spelled that right...anyway, it's less abrasive than the actual cutting of the abdomen.

Now my doctor said that I had many options as far as what to do...He said that if it weren't for the massive cyst on my ovary then he would steer me clear of the hysterectomy but it looks like that will have to happen...BUT...the surgeon may have other ideas.

They did other girlie tests on me which for the boys I won't elaborate...so we still have to keep our fingers crossed that there isn't ANY cancer in my body.

I woke up this morning feeling really good...got a little tweeky from my mother freaking out but I feel better now. Plan on partaking in Happy Hour today but I'm going to be a good girl. I don't have the energy or the desire to be bad anymore.

So on a happy note...a new development:

I love Peewee Herman

I feel that talking is over rated, sometimes you can get more said by not saying a word...or at least that is how I feel. I can tell what someone is thinking/feeling by their eyes...unless they have a floater, then that makes it a wee bit difficult.

If it weren't for a couple of people I could go days without talking and I am fine by that. I get tired of it, sometimes it can be exhausting.

Sometimes I wish that I was one of those type of people who didn't think or care about anything...I have a crooked emotional heart and that can be a curse. If I had a penis maybe things would be different, but my luck I'd be gay...if that were the case Liam would be my role model.

No I'm not having a gray day...no I'm not pining over anything...I'm just here.

SO I LIED...

ME WITHOUT YOU



This isn't a technical post but I love this movie. And feel that it should be shared...so the movie does revolve around two friends but the under lining story is between Holly and Nat...I found this movie shortly after I had written the short version of my book and their characters reminded me a lot of the two main characters of my book...so those of you who don't mind watching a semi chick flick, then check it out.

I had a little bit of a scare last night...I had the worst panic attack ever in my life...at the end of my last blog I had said that my heart was racing 90 to nothing...it was the damn tea that kicked it off...I get done writing...enter into James' world, head for bed...decided to watch The Incredibles but fell asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow. Around 2am it woke me from a dead sleep...my heart was pounding so hard and so fast....

You know usually when I have panic attacks...I have my certain typical routine on calming myself down...but nothing was working...after taking a xanex and avoiding the desire to throw up and faint around 4am I call my mom...wake her poor soul up...God I felt bad.

My heart was beating 143 beats a minute, I could feel the xanex kicking in but every time I would sit down or lay down, it got worse. So she wanted to take me to the ER because she was afraid because it wasn't letting up...we did the count thing like 3 times and when it finally calmed down to 130 beats a minute, I felt better.

So around 540am I lay down...she's making coffee...it had finally stopped...so I told her that I would try to sleep and if it started again that I would call her. And thank heavens it didn't.

Wow...lol...I get panic attacks once or twice a year if that...I'm usually a pretty calm person...but that scared the shit out of me.

Im a little irritated today...I told myself that when I arrived at Clicks and saw him that I wasn't going to be an ass and ignore him b/c for real, what would be the point in that?? Nothing happened...oh but I did...but it didn't last long...I got over my hangover and I felt more like myself...happy, happy, joy, joy.

You know what I want to know...when did this conversion take place?? All I know is one day all I can think of is he is the sexiest thing I have ever seen, to me being gone for five months, to him losing his girl friend (which I was shocked when I found that out...and felt very bad for him) to me being in the darkest mood possible and just by the mere glance of his face just made my day. Diane used to make fun of me...she would tell me she could always tell he was around before she saw him just by my face...I don't typically do this, fall for people...especially when nothing is there to fall for. I have the utmost respect for him...but I kick myself in the ass b/c it never should have gotten to this point. It blind sided me. He knocked Wicko out of my head and I never thought that would be humanly possible.

Wicko laughed at me yesterday and poked fun at the not so typical Crystal that I was being...he told me to do my thing...stop thinking is what he says...so I have decided to do just that...the switch is turned off...my witty banter is turned back on, I have been fully restored so there is no turning back now.

No more blogs until Thursday. Thursday is the day my results should be in...So until then.

BENEDRYL IS MY FRIEND...

So I survived another night out...yeah, yeah...I just got done drinking the pink stuff and I am listening to 'do you sleep' by lisa loeb...or however you spell her name...I love this song.

I slid away ever so gracefully from a drunken mack attack...for real...some of the lines that boys dish out these days are so sad...and a married boy at that...as if...what ever rumor you heard about me at pratt is NOT true...so fuck off....lol...no really...I feel sorry for their wives, but for real...give me some credit.

So, here we are again...not drunk like I was last night...sadly I didn't grab hold of that buzz that I wanted so desperatly...and I didn't try to kiss any boys either...so all in all, I can say that it was a good night.

But I do hate it when people try to get all serious on me...or judge me for that matter...I really hate it when people try to disect my brain, you know because some of the shit that they come up with just really makes me laugh...I know that I am analytical...so sue me...but I am fun...and am proud of it.

It's cold in my apartment...I really can't wait to find freedom on the road...I really need to start writing again...but crazy dave stole my words...thank you sweet heart.


Rules that I need to abide by:

Stay away from red heads
Maintain the two shot rule
Forgive pretty smiles
Get out of Pratt mode
Love as hard as you can
Laugh often
Remember to know when to let go


My heart is racing 90 to nothing...but that's what I get for drinking tea this late. So I need to crawl into my feathered bed now and sleep...hopefully dream well tonight...it would be nice.

BREATHE

Yes the kissy face returns...I thought that I had retired them, but apparently last night was proof that I didn't...oh my...but they are in trouble today...they went somewhere they shouldn't of last night...it's that damn devil juice.

I am strictly banning myself from Caves...as of right now.

Today I could live in the shower...I am so ready to get these things out of my belly...I want my skinny body back...I miss my skinny body. The last couple of days my appetite has been that of a bird...I can't eat.

Oh but I have some happy news...my dad called me Wed night to see how my doctors appointment went and he told me that he started to read my book. He had my step mom print it out and he is slowly reading it...he says that so far he likes what he has read. This man's opinion is everything to me...his brutal honesty...and that in his line of work he can give me the criticism that I need...the only bad thing is that I have changed it since I sent him the copy that he has...so I told him that when he gets down to the bottom two chapters to let me know and I'll send them to him. God, that made me so happy...made my week.

So I passed up a road trip offer with him today...he is in Fort Worth right now, about to drive to Tyler...but I have too much stuff to do around here so I regretfully declined.

I have a date with the hair of the dog at 4:00 today...I don't even know why I'm going. But I have to take advantage of being able to go out while I can b/c I have no idea what is about to happen with my life. I may be having surgery soon...I hope anyway...

My closing note to myself: Stop being so damn serious!!

FOR REAL!!!!

Lock my mouth shut and throw away the key...I hereby ground myself until further notice. What the fuck was I thinking????

OKIE DOKIE

I had my sonogram today...she said that my uterus is compacted with these crazy tumors...I have a small colony inhabiting quite snugly right now. She said that she could count five so far, there may be more but the massive size that they were she couldn't tell.

I won't find out the result from the sonogram until next Thursday...may be sooner, but that is my next scheduled appointment.

My doctor has prescribed me some xanex to help me stay calm...well rested...and all that jazz. I feel a lot better from Monday...she told me a lot of things that soothed my brain...and being able to see them was very shocking...but it did set me at ease.

Anyway, thanks to all of you that have been there for me...love you guys bunches. xoxo

HMMMM.....

This is going to be a heavy one, so be for warned.

Last week I was laying in bed and felt something strange around my abdomen area...something somewhat in similarity to a two fisted knot in size...didn't think anything of it at the time...thinking that maybe I was constipated b/c of my medication...so I had my friend Diane come over the next day to feel it...she was questioning but no alarms went off until my mother felt it on Friday. I woke up this morning and scheduled an apt with my doctor.

I'm sitting there for the longest time with a paper sheet strapped across my lap thinking that waiting rooms are supposed to be before you go into the actual diagnostic room...when the trusty doctor walked in and asked me how I was...I told him that I would feel better when he told me that I wasn't dying from this knot in my stomach. I lye down on the table and he began to knead at my belly and cocked his head in an...hmmm...sort of fashion.

He tells me that the 'mass' is in my abdomen and wondered if I could be pregnant....I laughed and said no....he said that it seemed that I had a uterine fibroid tumor in my abdomen the size of two small grapefruits. But he wanted to do a pregnancy test just to be on the safe side. He did and surprise, surprise the results said no....he said that I had a 20 weeks size uterus....meaning that my stomach looks pregnant b/c of what is growing there...sexy right...lol

I told him that I have lost 25 pounds and I didn't understand why my stomach still looked the way it did...he said, well now you know why. Then he proceeds to ask me if I have any kids, I say no...then he asks, 'well do you plan on having any?' I said that the thought crossed my mind and said no, but then again I did have time and he said that no I didn't....that if it is as big as he suspects then I would have to have a hysterectomy. He also said that the majority of these tumors were benign. So I think, okay....benign, benign, benign...click my heels three times and pray like I have never prayed before that it is benign.

I have an internal sonogram scheduled for Wednesday to hopefully give me a little bit more clarity on this sticky situation....but still laugh b/c for real....this is so my luck.

I feel like this is all a dream, someone else's nightmare...I am staying positive...once again it is not in my hands...it is in God's hands...and I really pray like mad that he is having a good day that day.

I will keep things posted...for those of you who still read this...please keep me in your thoughts...I need all the good thoughts/prayers that are feesably possible right now.

IT'S A DONE DEAL

October 10th at 11:35am, I will be headed for LA, California.

SLEEP ANYONE??

I really hate knowing that I am the only one awake at this hour...sober anyway. I just got done watching Foxfire and have the worse case of bed head known to the history of man.

My trip to LA seems like it will be Oct 10-17th. We found out that Bruce is performing on Saturdays at the Steve Allen Theater through October 14th...so I am super excited. We still have some details to iron out but it looks like the deal is sealed. So watch out Dave...lol. I shot James an email letting him know and that I would confirm when it is necessary. He said that he is working pretty hard on making FS into a movie..so yay for him!! I am super proud of him!!

My brain is going 90 to nothing. I've been doing pretty good on sleeping the last two weeks so this is really coming out of no where. I got my checks from TWC today so yay!! Now just waiting for the 16th so I can get my severence and buy the trusty car that will allow me to be free again.

One of my first destinations that I plan on going to is the kimball art museum. One of my favorite paintings is in that museum and I haven't been there in ages. It's one of their regulars...

The Anger of Achilles

It's nothing spectacular, but when viewed in person....WOW....the one with the crown on his head...his eyes are amazing...he's crying. I'm an artsy fartsy type of girl...sorry if this bores you...but I am really looking forward to this. I've lost touch with my gallery hags, but it's all good, I don't mind going alone.

I'm half awake, I know it's almost 9:30 but I didn't get to sleep till almost 3. I finally talked to Holly about her trip in Toronto last night, my mind is at ease. I am happy to report that Dave in deed remembered me before he got on the phone with me...'cheese and crackers' is what she said he said. Yeah, he remembered the offering table...that makes me smile.

I woke up craving an orange fanta, went down to the vending machine, put my buck 25 in and my luck, they were out so I had to go with a diet coke, which is okay, but I am really craving an orange soda. I walked my tired self back upstairs, made my bed that was still warm, lit my candles and noticed my puffy eyes in the mirror and now I am sitting here thinking about the conversation that I had with my dad last night and am wondering why we can not have a decent conversation without biting at each other.

I know that I have a tweekie voice, I know that there are times that I can not control the pitch in my tone and that it often comes out as bitchy and defensive. I have tried so hard for so many years to be aware of this...b/c it happens at moments when I'm fine...just like my facial expressions...I'm not mad...but it looks like I am...it's kind of exausting sometimes trying to control all these things. When I was studying theatre my teacher helped out a lot with these, and ironically so did my dad...whatever beside the point.

So he is the only one in this world that can still make me feel like the biggest uber f**k up in the world. And I know in my heart of hearts that he means well...but we are so much alike that we only become a match of bumping cars.

So I fight the urge to want to fall apart today...even though I am fine with this lay off thing...but I get this email from my step mother:

"To get something you never had, you have to do something you never did." When God takes something from your grasp, He's not punishing you, but merely opening your hands to receive something better. Concentrate on this sentence... "The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you."

And I know this. It's really the only thing that is keeping me glued. But it would really be nice to have a simple conversation with my dad...for once, you know, a 'how are ya, how is school, have you read my book, oh yeah, what did you think...' but that will never happen. And what he doesn't know is that I worship the ground he walks on, he is the sole reason on why I started to write, he gave me my first blank book, it all started because of him. But imagination and words can only get you so far with someone. This I know to be true.

I'm not a little girl anymore...I'm not even that ecstatic teenager either, so I've made mistakes, who hasn't...but move on, forgive me, b/c lord knows that I have forgiven him. It's life, it's what we have to do in order to survive. So, for real, please stop reminding me...stop throwing the past in my face, I have moved on...so why can't he??

This is too heavy for a Monday morning blog. I thought about Liam when I woke up this morning...and I am taking his advice, I'm going to be lazy today...crawl back into Dawson's Creek until this raincloud is removed from over my head.

Oh and just for a side note...I will not move back to Wichita Falls for the mere fact of me losing my job...I want to move back on my terms, not b/c involuntarily failure drove me there...b/c if that were the case, I would resent it. So there, I've said my peace.

THEN AND NOW

When I went to the falls over the holliday Tobi Gail and I went through the old cedar chest looking for some old pictures for my mother and I found a few of me that I thought were share worthy. And might just explain a little about me...

The Rag

I'm not sure how old I was, maybe a little over a year...yeah you notice the coors beer can in the back ground...lol...oh if you only knew. There are pictures of me somewhere in a dryer...more than one mind you at several different ages. I always thought that it was mean but they claim to have done it to compare how small I was. I was two months premature...whatever...I am still convinced that my sister shut the door and turned it on...lol

The Mischievous Face

Taken at Olan Mills...For real...I don't see myself in this girl at all anymore....But Diane says that I still have that look on my face. My eyes were more popping blue and look at that tan....and the blonde hair...man alive...I'm all pasty white now...jeese!!!

Kid Fears

I am surprised that I never accumulated a fear of Santa Clause b/c FOR REAL...what is up with this guy!!! He has makeup on...when I first saw this picture I laughed my ass off...I thought it may have been my dad but my dad has blue eyes...so I have no clue. My mother couldn't figure it out either...but really. Crazy shit.

The one we are all forced to love...tehe...

I shot this today after a misjudgment of hair dye color...a tad bit more darker than I anticipated, but whatever. I would like to say that I kicked some ass in dominoes last night but in all fairness it was an equal battle...Went shopping today...Victoria Secret's...bought a new bra, found out I dropped a cup size *gasps* but if that's what I get for losing 25 pounds, then so be it...but it still saddens me. I'm home now, bored as per usual, but what else is new. So, anyway...enjoy a good laugh on me. xoxo

OKAY....

This last week was chocked full of hangovers, tears and laughter...thank heavens it ended in laughter because I am surprised that Wednesday night wasn't the death of me...not literally but mentally.

Anywho...at Diane's again, she is cooking ribs and I am waiting to kick some ass at dominoes. I applied for some more jobs today...one being a purchasing position so we will see.

Went car shopping Thursday...slowly dragging my gimpy leg from Wed. night shenanigans, I found a few prospects, but we will see.

We are at Clicks Thursday as per usual for good ole trusty happy hour and I begin to get texts from Holly...she is in Toronto to witness the kids get their star in Canada...anyway as luck seems to boil out of her...we are leaving the bar and she calls me...oh but it wasn't her on the other end of the phone...it was...drum roll...Dave Foley...yes my husband.

He asks for me, I smile knowing that it is him but he still feels the need to say who it is...and I tell him "it's about damn time you call me"....I was grinning from ear to ear wishing like mad that I was there. We talked for some time...he remembered me from Dallas....chit chat chit chat and it was over. Then I talked to Bruce last night...but for real...I love my Dave.

I am begining to suffer from unendurable amounts of boredom at home. I swear if I clean anymore there will be no paint left to speak of.

Not much of an update...my posts have been pretty cut and dry....I have some pictures of me as a kiddo that I want to post but have to wait until I'm home to do that.

As always...xoxo...much love.

I had my mother drop me off at Diane's yesterday morning after the trip back from the falls...spent the day and she dropped me off around 9ish last night...I check my mail before hand and OMG YAY!!! My severance check came in!!! Oh holy hell...I danced my way back to her car almost pissing myself from the excitement. I don't have to worry about borrowing money from my parents, I can get my car now, buy groceries...I am so very happy!!! And I slept like a baby last night.

God you guys, you have no clue what it's been like this last month. You all know the bullshit I had to endure while I was on medical leave, but this has been way harder. I am glad that I had the hardships I did for those 5 months b/c I learned how to truly be patient and not to fret over the things that I have absolute no control over. I am so thankful for Diane b/c I don't know what I would have done without her. Now I'm not out of the woods yet, I am so totally aware of that...but I know things will get better...they have to.

My net will be back on in no time....I can breathe....the raincloud is gone and sunshine is back!!!