5AM

Too early to be awake and for me too late for sleep...damn I can't seem to win these days.

In 5 hours I will be headed to Wichita and I wish more now than any other time that I would be going to bed and going to sleep because I feel that I could only because I have been drinking. We left the bar 3 hours ago and I have been in the pool ever since, now I am in Diane's backyard typeing what ever seems to be what ever this is....

To read in between the lines is what someone taught me how to do many years ago and I never thought that I was the type of person to do just that...I have always been a matter of fact type of girl but I seemed to have lost my way tonight.

You see, when you have worked for such a place that I have worked for the last 11 years you learn to grow a thick skin...you learn to realize that people will base certain theories and rumors on who you are based on what they hear or materialize and knowing such things, you tend to shut yourself off and be who they want you to be. Oh hell, that made no sense what so evever...but just bare with me because I'm trying here.

I like a certain someone...and mind you in Pratt world I'm not supposed to...and certainly I'm not supposed to act on those feelings b/c there are still lurking eyes lingering still waiting for me to muck up...and maybe I am reading into deep...which I tend to do, but if I could do it all over again when asked for me to stop speaking in between the lines, I would have kissed him...maybe...or at least it is what I wanted to do...I hesitated longer than I should have, but that's me...thinking, yeah your drunk, yeah, whatever, yeah you go home, yeah whatever, yeah like he will honestly remember this in the morning...

Because if I would have, it would have changed everything and it is so much easier to forget when you are not around...it's so much easier to forget that moment that you were in b/c you were drinking...and I didn't want to be that girl...so easily forgoten or to be filed away as a drunken moment. Because in all truth...he means the world to me and I don't know why...it baffles me but he does. I worked for him for the amount of years that I did, but it was work, there was no personal time there, and I feel, honestly that there never will be. And if I am wrong, prove me wrong.

I will hold that moment forever and want it again like mad again in the future, but I know it will never happen again. It's almost six now....fuck me....I wish I could sleep you know...wrap my arms tightly around someone who cares...the sandman is a twisted fuck in my head right now...my dreams give me more comfort than reality does...and I spit sometimes at Pratt for making me the jaded woman that I am.