FIRST DAY IS OVER

I'm not going to post everday about this...so I'm discussing the first day and that's it.

We dove straight in on the bugs. I'm very very proud of myself!! The ones that we studied today were the many different kinds of termites, carpenter ants, bees, beetles and I can't remember the other one. The pictures were not that bad. I am, like I said, so very proud of myself. I didn't have a panic attack, I was calm, didn't jump, feel like fainting or running...all was good.

We learned so much stuff that my brain is literally over whelmed. We learned about construction, foundations, pesticides, equipment....oy!!!

The classroom was 40+ people...and included outside sales, call center sales, exterminators...so it was a big melting pot of all of us...but we have to know every corner of the job.

We still haven't gone over roaches or spiders...in which is my worse....the ones above really don't bother me as much so that's probably why I didn't have a problem with it...but I"m going to try and keep my mind set on how I handled today....I know things will be okay.

We have to take a state test within the year...so until then I'm in training.

The strange thing is, they told us today that we aren't allowed to talk to any of the call center people, we can't use the break room unless we are getting a soda...we basically DO NOT EXIST to any of them until we are actually sitting at the desk and on the phone. I know that doesn't sound bad, but the way she said it, it was pretty damn bitchy.

I have two friends that work there....one was sick today and the other I just slyly waved at...heaven forbid I piss anyone off on the first day....damn!!!

The morning commute took me 40 minutes...the coming home commute took me an hour. I hate, HATE the traffic part of this.

So....that was my first day.

Sadey screamed at me when I walked through the door...she is very sick...has been for the past week and I hate leaving her home, but there isn't anything I can do about it right now. She's use to me being home the past 7 months, which she has loved, but now that she is sick...man it scares the shit out of me.

Late-

SO IT BEGINS...

I start my new job in the morning. I get to be the newbie again, I haven't been the newbie in over 11 years. I'm scared, for many reasons, but I know that I will be just fine. I'm happy and relieved that I'm at least not going into this alone b/c I do have two friends that work there. One in which will be my boss...strange but it's not a big deal.

So I touched up my roots, cut my bangs, did my laundry, took my shower and now I smell like a Japanese Cherry Blossom...waiting for my new bed time. My alarm will go off at 530am tomorrow and I get to experience my first real commute to a big city job.

BECOMING JANE

I have read several books by Jane Austen but I never really got into her story, of who she was and what not. I'm up late, early, however way you want to see it now that in 4 hours I'll be up for 24 hours...by mistake mind you...but anyway, so Becoming Jane came on and I watched it.

I got to say...I thought it was sad, more sad than any star crossed lovers' story that has ever been told...she sacrificed her happiness for him...even though he didn't want her to, she still did it. She never married because she loved him.

I know, yeah, yeah...sounds too damn girlie and all that hokie crap...but I can relate to her, why she did it and the circumstance. It also makes me want to re-read the books that I do have of hers and read more...now that I do know.

NOTHING IN PARTICULAR

My apartment smells like clean laundry. Which I shouldn't be all that shocked since I picked the clean linen fragrance. It smells good though.

The last several days the weather has felt amazing outside...very windy but the smell of the air reminds me of all the missing people in my life...and memories as well.

Sometimes I hate that.

I also hate that the last two days I have been smoking regularly...not a good thing seeing that the last several months I have only smoked while I drank...the boredom has really settled into my skin...like it's a part of me now...I'm not sleeping either...bleh.

I'm waiting for High School Musical 3 to finish downloading...I think that I am the only one besides my nieces that absolutely love all three movies...call me crazy, won't be the first time.

There is an amazing ring around the moon tonight...it looks like a giant smoke ring...I tried to take a picture with my phone but it turned out more like a bright dot...damn camera still not working.

I wonder that ever since he said goodbye, I wonder if he reads my blog still?? Or if he gave up since I haven't posted in so long...I wonder. He's deleted me everywhere else and shut the door and dead bolted the lock...I just wonder if he cheats just a little. I do miss him. Even in my dreams I'm invisible to him.

Anyway...that's all I have to say.

IT'S BEEN AWHILE

You know, my voice has been something that has never failed me. Maybe because it belongs to me…maybe it's because I am the only one that truly hears it and understands it…but whichever it doesn't lie. I know that I am in control of the tone that it lets out and I am in control of the facial features that surrounds it…but sometimes my face lets off a vibe that isn't so…like I'm pissed or that I am disappointed in someone or I'm mad in general…did you know that half of the people that I worked with in the past thought that I was a rude bitch the first couple of years just because of my face…for real…it makes me laugh…but the tone of my voice gives off a much more threatening vibe than I care to admit…and I am so tired of apologizing for it…you would think that by now that my family or some of the friends that I have would realize and know by now who I am and what I mean when they talk to me…but no, it is a constant battle.

I don't lie…I hate liars…I would rather you tell me the truth than humiliate my intelligence by a lie because seriously, it hurts worse in the long run to find out the truth.

My word has always been my bond…I tell it how it is, if you ask, I will tell you. I won't sugar coat it, or tell you what you want to hear…you ask and you shall receive. I have lost many 'friends' by being this way and a part of me cares but a part of me is also hurt by this because I don't understand why someone would want to hear a lie over the truth…it makes me question how they honestly treat me. My sister always told me that my tact was out of wack…that I needed to work on that, and I have…I have cushioned my words the older that I get because I know that I can be harsh at times…but still in the long run, you get what you get.

Now what I really hate is when someone has this 'hypothetical situation' and when it boils down to the actuality of the situation, I am being blamed for something that I know damn well that I didn't do. I was confronted and I was honest with my answer…but I was the only one that was questioned…I was the only one that got the dirty looks…the only one who got snubbed and sneered at…so I do what I do best…I confront the situation head on and was told that it wasn't me that they were referring to but it's hard to believe that when I was the only one that was interrogated.

I'm going to be 33 this year and I am so tired of middle/high school drama. I hate the phrase "I'm too old for this shit" but seriously I am. I dealt with my fair share of that dramatic bullshit back then and I don't need it now. I am really wanting this job for many reasons that are obvious but seriously because I know that I will be taken away from the bullshit…they won't see me anymore and I seriously doubt that I will be missed and I am okay with that reality…I expect nothing less.

There is a cutie though that has totally caught my eye but he is 11 years younger than me so I am only taking it for the flirting at this point…it's flattering and I have nothing else better going on right now…I am human for crying out loud.

But that's it. That is my update so to say. My rant for the month or until I am on again…or off again…whichever way you want to look at it.

I'm ready to be around people who see me for what I am worth and take me in and not expect too much…because seriously, if all you have is what you can give…who is to say what is enough???

YES SIR

I am posting a couple of songs performed by Robert Pattinson....I'm also including the lyrics b/c it's sometimes hard to understand what he is saying...the second song is on the Twilight soundtrack....you guys may not like his voice...but I am in love with it.

I Am Broken



Lyrics:

I was lonely,
I was tired,
Now I�m bound.
My head is off the ground.

For a long time, I was so weary,
Tired of sound
I heard before

Knowing of the nights I�m out the door.
Haunted by the things I did
Stuck between the burning light
And the dusty shade.

Said I,
Used to think the past was dead and gone,
I was wrong,
So wrong,
Elements of blindness make you strong
Make you strong
In my time I melted into many forms,
From the day that I was born, no.

I know there�s no place to hide.
Stuck between the burning shade and the fading light

I was broken
For a long time
But it�s over now

Said I was broken
For a long time
But it�s over now

Yes, and you
Yeah, you walk these lonely streets where people stand
People stand
And some people just can�t
And I do pretend
I�m free from all the things that saved my friends
I was there until the end
I know I can take the moon
Stuck between the burning shade and the fading light

I was broken
For a long time
But it�s over now
It�s over now


This is the one on the soundtrack
Never Think


Lyrics:

I should never think
What's in your heart
What's in our home
So I won't

You'll learn to hate me
But still call me baby
Oh love
So call me by my name

And save your soul
Save your soul
Before you're too far gone
Before nothing can be done

I'll try to decide when
She'll lie in the end
I ain't got no fight in me
In this whole damn world
So you hold off
She should hold off
It's the one thing that I've known
Once I put my coat on
I'm coming out in this all wrong
She standing outside holding me
Saying oh please
I'm in love
I'm in love

Girl save your soul
Go on save your soul
Before it's too far gone
And before nothing can be done

Cause without me
You got it all
So hold on
Without me you got it all
So hold on
Without me you got it all
Without me you got it all
So hold on
Without me you got it all
So hold on
Without me you got it all
So hold on

NOW WHAT....

*breathe*

I finished the fourth book of the Twilight series about 15 minutes ago...the last three days I have stopped breathing several times...have missed a lot of sleep...cried a lot...and dreamt the most vivid dreams that I have in a very long time.

The saga is over...I can see how it could go on and on and on...but it ended well. I wish that I had someone to cooingly talk to about it with...but I don't.

I have never in my life been so sucked into a character's thoughts other than when I was writing my own book....I don't really have words to explain it really...it's actually quite comical and confusing and crazy.

Since the hoopla has broken out from the movie...I sit back and I laugh at the 'team edward'~~'team jacob' bullshit...b/c really...if you really read the damn books, there really is no need in siding. But teenagers will be teenagers.

I get to slither back into reality tomorrow.

Highly doubtable....lol

*ROBERT PATTINSON*

So some of you know...the ones that I usually talk to on a day to day basis...know that I have become a tad bit consumed with the Twilight books...for those of you who don't....let me share how this came about...and then I will share with you my revelation...

Okay...I was dog sitting for the parents over turkey day and decided to watch a movie...I was very skeptical at watching Twilight b/c I seriously thought that it was going to be very hokey...and just didn't care. (Honestly, I was still stuck up Anne Rice's arse)

The movie was good, but I wasn't all that 'ohmygod' that everyone else was doing...I did love Edward and Bella so I decided to buy the book...I couldn't put it down...it sucked me in so hard that it could have taken an act of God to release me.

The way Stephenie writes, she makes it as if you are in Bella's head...and damn it let me tell you...my inspiration flame has been lit.

I bought the second and third book the next day and now I am on the 4th book. I re-watched the movie after reading the 1st book and enjoyed it much more...then today I watched it again for the third time and that is when I had my revelation.

And actually Alexiss is the only one that will understand it b/c she's the only one that has read my book....tell me is this not Kevin???? (the main character in my book)



I can't shake this guy...and I am sure some will spit on me for saying this...but if he stays the hush hush 'i'm shy' persona that he is tugging around then I feel we have the next Depp on our hands...the next two movies that Robert is doing will blow you away...anyone that can portray Salvador Dali gets an automatic ovation from me. I just can't wait for it to come out.....so anyway....I don't get star struck that often...I have my obsessions and they are Dave Foley and Johnny....I seriously wish that I was in PR b/c I would love to jump on this guys band wagon...literally and figurtively.

After I read the 4th book....which I am trying like mad to pace myself....I'm going to start sending my manuscript out to publishing companies...I found another site(s) thanks to Stepenie (she put on her site what all she did to get her books published).....get off my ass and finish cleaning up the chapters first though...lol...he will forever be branded as Kevin in my head...strange how that happens....I invented Kevin and I have never truly gotten a concrete image of the way he looked...but now I do. hmmmmm....

So anyway...what the hell, he is beautiful to boot.

Sunday Bla-day

I wish that you could choose your memories...choose the ones to forget, faces, voices, scents....wipe away clean forever, never to return. As hard as I try they slap me harder in my dreams. Which is not a big deal...but when you watch QAF for three days non-stop...you would think that you would have sweet what-nots about Brian Kenny, not some uber guy from your past who was nothing but a mere dangling carrot.

Strange things happened in my complex last night...three fire trucks and an ambulance decided to throw a midnight party in my parking lot...have no clue what happened there but it kept me awake. So I finished Season 4, upset that I still don't have season 5, so I put in News Radio and finally fell asleep around 2ish.

Now I'm awake....I read postsecret today....the engagement one was sad but I could totaly relate. It's Sunday again...time for another job search. I feel that I have lost my NOLA girls and that makes me sad.

just another sunday

I wish I had a glass of wine...that's right...it's 10am and I said I wish I had a glass of wine...I'm beginning to suffer round two of the the blues of not having a job. The first round hit in September....

I still make myself go to bed at a decent hour...no later than midnight...and I still wake up between 8-930am....I roll out of bed thinking...why bother...I don't get out of my pajamas...which makes me feel more like a loser than anything...but I do make my bed...for some reason that makes me feel less lazy.

I don't have the real desire to eat anymore...I make myself though b/c you have to eat...but the shit kicker of it is, I'm not depressed...sounds like it, but I'm not.

Went to my post-opp on Thursday and everything came back benign...so I celebrated Thursday night. We had fun...as always.

I feel that everyone is moving full speed around me and I'm stuck in a tar pit surrounded by qucksand....if you sit quietly enough, you can hear the violins begin to play.

*SIGHS*

I am beginning to feel that this doesn't exist anymore

Dream..

I had another tornado dream last night...

I was over at my friend Lisa's house and were walking her dogs in the courtyard between the two buildings...it was like a small park somewhat...it had rained earlier and it was the middle of October so we hadn't paid any attention to the weather, didn't think we had to.

We are now about a mile or two away from the apartment and the wind started to blow, the sky went black, and the sirens went off. Then it started to rain, then it began to hail...she didn't seem to concerned about it, she figured that it could be on the other side of town...we passed a tree and there was a small tornado forming behind one of the buildings...Lisa's daughter thought it was cool...I almost pissed myself. We picked up the girls and the dogs and ran like mad to get back to her apartment.

She lived on the second floor but it was at street level...we go into the girl's room and begin to clear out the closet...all these people were standing around taking pictures and what was one tornado turned into three tornadoes and all I could think of was Terrible Tuesday...a tornado that tore half of wichita falls down in 79...we got into the closet, I had one of the girls in my arms and I closed my eyes and prayed.

When I woke up I was laying belly down, somewhere, I couldn't figure out where...my body was numb and my face felt swolen...I felt the way I did in recovery after my surgery...I tried to lift my had and focus...it was hard but I did it...I was in the hospital...I didn't know why but I just assumed it had something to do with the tornado...

That's all I remember.

I've been dreaming of tornadoes my entire life...the most reoccuring one that I have...besides the ones of the guy...but the older I get the more intense they become and they get closer to me...I don't know if anyone knows but I am petrified of tornadoes....I love storms, love thunder and lightening...but you breathe a possibility of tornado and I turn into a two year old scared to death. I've never been through one.

When Terrible Tuesday hit in 79 I was almost 3 years old and it didn't hit the side of town that we lived, but my mother thinks that I was traumatized from it...because it was effin scary!!! It was HUGE...over 2600 yards..



Google it..it's pretty interesting...the ironic thing is...I'm obsessed with them...I try to learn as much about them that I possibly can and one of these days I would love to go on one of those tornado chaser rides...to get over my fear...but it still scares the shit out of me.

Hmmmmm.....

515am on a Tuesday morning and I haven't gone to sleep yet....

What started out to be a somber depressing Monday ended up being a fullfilling night of beautiful faces and the meeting of new people...of course there was a bad habit of losing drivers licenses and phones...but for the first time in my life, it was not my loss.

I was picked up and tossed toward Caves...yes, I know I said that I would ban myself from that bar, and I had but we had no other choice but to crash the red headed bar full force...we arrived and I sat there sipping my devil juice and watching the people around me in amazement over the fact that I had no clue who any of the people were...give or take a few that I remembered from a very checkered dark past.

Low and behold...a sweet looking boy walks in wearing a white shirt and dark rimmed glasses...he had my eye as soon as he walked in...two devil juices easily down my throat and I get up to talk to his friends GF....and next I know we are chatting away as if we were old girlfriends from grammar school...the night barely ended 15 minutes ago and now I am just ready to find sleep...the boy in the white shirt...boys in general seem to be very disappointing lately but that is okay...who needs them.

For the first time in my history of dwelling amongst the cave was a shot bought for me in return for my genorosity...I almost fell off my bar stool in shock...alas...my faith in human kindness was almost restored.

I wrote a poem in my head tonight...and I wish that I had pen and paper at the time that it was there b/c it has been so long since I have had the inspiration to write...but it left as fast as it entered...which isn't surprising b/c it is the way words fall into my life.

I'm not tired as I should be...I am but it's not the kind of tired that I want. I was around good company tonight...good laughter...good spirits...something that I have not experienced around strangers in years...but I know not to count my chickens before they hatch or to hold on to things that are merely within arms reach...you have moments for a reason...some are meant to repeat and some are meant to remember...I don't care to decipher which anymore...all I care is that I had a good time. To me, that is all that matters.