You know, my voice has been something that has never failed me. Maybe because it belongs to me…maybe it's because I am the only one that truly hears it and understands it…but whichever it doesn't lie. I know that I am in control of the tone that it lets out and I am in control of the facial features that surrounds it…but sometimes my face lets off a vibe that isn't so…like I'm pissed or that I am disappointed in someone or I'm mad in general…did you know that half of the people that I worked with in the past thought that I was a rude bitch the first couple of years just because of my face…for real…it makes me laugh…but the tone of my voice gives off a much more threatening vibe than I care to admit…and I am so tired of apologizing for it…you would think that by now that my family or some of the friends that I have would realize and know by now who I am and what I mean when they talk to me…but no, it is a constant battle.
I don't lie…I hate liars…I would rather you tell me the truth than humiliate my intelligence by a lie because seriously, it hurts worse in the long run to find out the truth.
My word has always been my bond…I tell it how it is, if you ask, I will tell you. I won't sugar coat it, or tell you what you want to hear…you ask and you shall receive. I have lost many 'friends' by being this way and a part of me cares but a part of me is also hurt by this because I don't understand why someone would want to hear a lie over the truth…it makes me question how they honestly treat me. My sister always told me that my tact was out of wack…that I needed to work on that, and I have…I have cushioned my words the older that I get because I know that I can be harsh at times…but still in the long run, you get what you get.
Now what I really hate is when someone has this 'hypothetical situation' and when it boils down to the actuality of the situation, I am being blamed for something that I know damn well that I didn't do. I was confronted and I was honest with my answer…but I was the only one that was questioned…I was the only one that got the dirty looks…the only one who got snubbed and sneered at…so I do what I do best…I confront the situation head on and was told that it wasn't me that they were referring to but it's hard to believe that when I was the only one that was interrogated.
I'm going to be 33 this year and I am so tired of middle/high school drama. I hate the phrase "I'm too old for this shit" but seriously I am. I dealt with my fair share of that dramatic bullshit back then and I don't need it now. I am really wanting this job for many reasons that are obvious but seriously because I know that I will be taken away from the bullshit…they won't see me anymore and I seriously doubt that I will be missed and I am okay with that reality…I expect nothing less.
There is a cutie though that has totally caught my eye but he is 11 years younger than me so I am only taking it for the flirting at this point…it's flattering and I have nothing else better going on right now…I am human for crying out loud.
But that's it. That is my update so to say. My rant for the month or until I am on again…or off again…whichever way you want to look at it.
I'm ready to be around people who see me for what I am worth and take me in and not expect too much…because seriously, if all you have is what you can give…who is to say what is enough???
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