FIRST DAY IS OVER

I'm not going to post everday about this...so I'm discussing the first day and that's it.

We dove straight in on the bugs. I'm very very proud of myself!! The ones that we studied today were the many different kinds of termites, carpenter ants, bees, beetles and I can't remember the other one. The pictures were not that bad. I am, like I said, so very proud of myself. I didn't have a panic attack, I was calm, didn't jump, feel like fainting or running...all was good.

We learned so much stuff that my brain is literally over whelmed. We learned about construction, foundations, pesticides, equipment....oy!!!

The classroom was 40+ people...and included outside sales, call center sales, exterminators...so it was a big melting pot of all of us...but we have to know every corner of the job.

We still haven't gone over roaches or spiders...in which is my worse....the ones above really don't bother me as much so that's probably why I didn't have a problem with it...but I"m going to try and keep my mind set on how I handled today....I know things will be okay.

We have to take a state test within the year...so until then I'm in training.

The strange thing is, they told us today that we aren't allowed to talk to any of the call center people, we can't use the break room unless we are getting a soda...we basically DO NOT EXIST to any of them until we are actually sitting at the desk and on the phone. I know that doesn't sound bad, but the way she said it, it was pretty damn bitchy.

I have two friends that work there....one was sick today and the other I just slyly waved at...heaven forbid I piss anyone off on the first day....damn!!!

The morning commute took me 40 minutes...the coming home commute took me an hour. I hate, HATE the traffic part of this.

So....that was my first day.

Sadey screamed at me when I walked through the door...she is very sick...has been for the past week and I hate leaving her home, but there isn't anything I can do about it right now. She's use to me being home the past 7 months, which she has loved, but now that she is sick...man it scares the shit out of me.

Late-

SO IT BEGINS...

I start my new job in the morning. I get to be the newbie again, I haven't been the newbie in over 11 years. I'm scared, for many reasons, but I know that I will be just fine. I'm happy and relieved that I'm at least not going into this alone b/c I do have two friends that work there. One in which will be my boss...strange but it's not a big deal.

So I touched up my roots, cut my bangs, did my laundry, took my shower and now I smell like a Japanese Cherry Blossom...waiting for my new bed time. My alarm will go off at 530am tomorrow and I get to experience my first real commute to a big city job.

BECOMING JANE

I have read several books by Jane Austen but I never really got into her story, of who she was and what not. I'm up late, early, however way you want to see it now that in 4 hours I'll be up for 24 hours...by mistake mind you...but anyway, so Becoming Jane came on and I watched it.

I got to say...I thought it was sad, more sad than any star crossed lovers' story that has ever been told...she sacrificed her happiness for him...even though he didn't want her to, she still did it. She never married because she loved him.

I know, yeah, yeah...sounds too damn girlie and all that hokie crap...but I can relate to her, why she did it and the circumstance. It also makes me want to re-read the books that I do have of hers and read more...now that I do know.

NOTHING IN PARTICULAR

My apartment smells like clean laundry. Which I shouldn't be all that shocked since I picked the clean linen fragrance. It smells good though.

The last several days the weather has felt amazing outside...very windy but the smell of the air reminds me of all the missing people in my life...and memories as well.

Sometimes I hate that.

I also hate that the last two days I have been smoking regularly...not a good thing seeing that the last several months I have only smoked while I drank...the boredom has really settled into my skin...like it's a part of me now...I'm not sleeping either...bleh.

I'm waiting for High School Musical 3 to finish downloading...I think that I am the only one besides my nieces that absolutely love all three movies...call me crazy, won't be the first time.

There is an amazing ring around the moon tonight...it looks like a giant smoke ring...I tried to take a picture with my phone but it turned out more like a bright dot...damn camera still not working.

I wonder that ever since he said goodbye, I wonder if he reads my blog still?? Or if he gave up since I haven't posted in so long...I wonder. He's deleted me everywhere else and shut the door and dead bolted the lock...I just wonder if he cheats just a little. I do miss him. Even in my dreams I'm invisible to him.

Anyway...that's all I have to say.

IT'S BEEN AWHILE

You know, my voice has been something that has never failed me. Maybe because it belongs to me…maybe it's because I am the only one that truly hears it and understands it…but whichever it doesn't lie. I know that I am in control of the tone that it lets out and I am in control of the facial features that surrounds it…but sometimes my face lets off a vibe that isn't so…like I'm pissed or that I am disappointed in someone or I'm mad in general…did you know that half of the people that I worked with in the past thought that I was a rude bitch the first couple of years just because of my face…for real…it makes me laugh…but the tone of my voice gives off a much more threatening vibe than I care to admit…and I am so tired of apologizing for it…you would think that by now that my family or some of the friends that I have would realize and know by now who I am and what I mean when they talk to me…but no, it is a constant battle.

I don't lie…I hate liars…I would rather you tell me the truth than humiliate my intelligence by a lie because seriously, it hurts worse in the long run to find out the truth.

My word has always been my bond…I tell it how it is, if you ask, I will tell you. I won't sugar coat it, or tell you what you want to hear…you ask and you shall receive. I have lost many 'friends' by being this way and a part of me cares but a part of me is also hurt by this because I don't understand why someone would want to hear a lie over the truth…it makes me question how they honestly treat me. My sister always told me that my tact was out of wack…that I needed to work on that, and I have…I have cushioned my words the older that I get because I know that I can be harsh at times…but still in the long run, you get what you get.

Now what I really hate is when someone has this 'hypothetical situation' and when it boils down to the actuality of the situation, I am being blamed for something that I know damn well that I didn't do. I was confronted and I was honest with my answer…but I was the only one that was questioned…I was the only one that got the dirty looks…the only one who got snubbed and sneered at…so I do what I do best…I confront the situation head on and was told that it wasn't me that they were referring to but it's hard to believe that when I was the only one that was interrogated.

I'm going to be 33 this year and I am so tired of middle/high school drama. I hate the phrase "I'm too old for this shit" but seriously I am. I dealt with my fair share of that dramatic bullshit back then and I don't need it now. I am really wanting this job for many reasons that are obvious but seriously because I know that I will be taken away from the bullshit…they won't see me anymore and I seriously doubt that I will be missed and I am okay with that reality…I expect nothing less.

There is a cutie though that has totally caught my eye but he is 11 years younger than me so I am only taking it for the flirting at this point…it's flattering and I have nothing else better going on right now…I am human for crying out loud.

But that's it. That is my update so to say. My rant for the month or until I am on again…or off again…whichever way you want to look at it.

I'm ready to be around people who see me for what I am worth and take me in and not expect too much…because seriously, if all you have is what you can give…who is to say what is enough???