Dream..

I had another tornado dream last night...

I was over at my friend Lisa's house and were walking her dogs in the courtyard between the two buildings...it was like a small park somewhat...it had rained earlier and it was the middle of October so we hadn't paid any attention to the weather, didn't think we had to.

We are now about a mile or two away from the apartment and the wind started to blow, the sky went black, and the sirens went off. Then it started to rain, then it began to hail...she didn't seem to concerned about it, she figured that it could be on the other side of town...we passed a tree and there was a small tornado forming behind one of the buildings...Lisa's daughter thought it was cool...I almost pissed myself. We picked up the girls and the dogs and ran like mad to get back to her apartment.

She lived on the second floor but it was at street level...we go into the girl's room and begin to clear out the closet...all these people were standing around taking pictures and what was one tornado turned into three tornadoes and all I could think of was Terrible Tuesday...a tornado that tore half of wichita falls down in 79...we got into the closet, I had one of the girls in my arms and I closed my eyes and prayed.

When I woke up I was laying belly down, somewhere, I couldn't figure out where...my body was numb and my face felt swolen...I felt the way I did in recovery after my surgery...I tried to lift my had and focus...it was hard but I did it...I was in the hospital...I didn't know why but I just assumed it had something to do with the tornado...

That's all I remember.

I've been dreaming of tornadoes my entire life...the most reoccuring one that I have...besides the ones of the guy...but the older I get the more intense they become and they get closer to me...I don't know if anyone knows but I am petrified of tornadoes....I love storms, love thunder and lightening...but you breathe a possibility of tornado and I turn into a two year old scared to death. I've never been through one.

When Terrible Tuesday hit in 79 I was almost 3 years old and it didn't hit the side of town that we lived, but my mother thinks that I was traumatized from it...because it was effin scary!!! It was HUGE...over 2600 yards..



Google it..it's pretty interesting...the ironic thing is...I'm obsessed with them...I try to learn as much about them that I possibly can and one of these days I would love to go on one of those tornado chaser rides...to get over my fear...but it still scares the shit out of me.

Hmmmmm.....

515am on a Tuesday morning and I haven't gone to sleep yet....

What started out to be a somber depressing Monday ended up being a fullfilling night of beautiful faces and the meeting of new people...of course there was a bad habit of losing drivers licenses and phones...but for the first time in my life, it was not my loss.

I was picked up and tossed toward Caves...yes, I know I said that I would ban myself from that bar, and I had but we had no other choice but to crash the red headed bar full force...we arrived and I sat there sipping my devil juice and watching the people around me in amazement over the fact that I had no clue who any of the people were...give or take a few that I remembered from a very checkered dark past.

Low and behold...a sweet looking boy walks in wearing a white shirt and dark rimmed glasses...he had my eye as soon as he walked in...two devil juices easily down my throat and I get up to talk to his friends GF....and next I know we are chatting away as if we were old girlfriends from grammar school...the night barely ended 15 minutes ago and now I am just ready to find sleep...the boy in the white shirt...boys in general seem to be very disappointing lately but that is okay...who needs them.

For the first time in my history of dwelling amongst the cave was a shot bought for me in return for my genorosity...I almost fell off my bar stool in shock...alas...my faith in human kindness was almost restored.

I wrote a poem in my head tonight...and I wish that I had pen and paper at the time that it was there b/c it has been so long since I have had the inspiration to write...but it left as fast as it entered...which isn't surprising b/c it is the way words fall into my life.

I'm not tired as I should be...I am but it's not the kind of tired that I want. I was around good company tonight...good laughter...good spirits...something that I have not experienced around strangers in years...but I know not to count my chickens before they hatch or to hold on to things that are merely within arms reach...you have moments for a reason...some are meant to repeat and some are meant to remember...I don't care to decipher which anymore...all I care is that I had a good time. To me, that is all that matters.

COLOR ME HAPPY

Finally went out last night...joined the world and for once it was outside of Arlington...damn I think that is what made me the most excited. Yeah we went to Sherlocks in Addison...even though there is one across the street from me, but the band that we both love (Diane and I) was playing out there...she is having surgery this week so she would have missed them playing at ours....ANYWAY

We packed our bearings and headed out to Addison...which my goodness...isn't really in tin-buck-too, it's only 30 minutes away...I met up with my Rogelio...my boy...I haven't seen him in over a year and that was my second motivation to go. I had the dancing bug before I left the apartment...hell, I've had the dancing bug for awhile now...and let me tell you, it was really hard sitting there and not dancing...but guilty as charged...I wound up getting out there for 3 songs...but I was on good behavior other than that.

We met a couple of boys...Diane had the straight boy and me as always had the gay boy...but it was okay...he is actually quite fabulous. Ro left before the ugly lights came on and we said that we would most definitely be coming back to Addison, so I can not wait for next time. I miss him so much...and any reason for me to get the HELL out of Arlington...I am game!!

So....I had strange dreams last night...surprise, surprise. I was going to a halloween party with Diane but before we got there she had told me that she knew the reason why Lukas never talks to me or never seemed to care...I asked her why and she started crying...I was like, okay maybe the two of them have their own little romping thing going on...which okay, whatever...and she said no, that he hated me, never did like me, said he thought I would never be anything to him but a common shop girl he was just being nice because he wasn't an asshole...lol...and she said that he was also pissed off because I had knocked off something in his car from when he drove me home and I never fixed it or offered...but he never told me anything like that so I had no idea what she was talking about...my goodness was she upset...sobbing so hard...she said that she didn't want to hurt my feelings but she knew that I needed to know because of how I felt about him...all this information while we are walking into a party...lol

We walk into this auditorium and everyone's costumes were real...people were drinking this small cap size liquid that transformed them into who or what they wanted to be...it was very strange and mind blowing...we walk into the auditorium and all these people were sitting in the seats and I noticed Lukas sitting there with his ex-girlfriend, as I walked passed him I tripped and fell and he did nothing. All my friends from high school were there and some ex-work people as well...then I woke up.

I love having slap you in the face dreams like that...lol...I've booted him from my brain so it doesn't matter anymore. He's just another boy from work, move on.

Sadey pissed on the carpet again this morning...I don't understand why she is doing this and quite frankly it is really pissing me off.

I had another harsh glass breaking reality check happen last night...but I can't write about it because I promised that I would pretend that I didn't know...but damnit...I need to get my ass to Virginia...it's been 7 years and I still love him...it's time.

Happy Sunday.

LA-TEE-DA

I woke up this morning happy because I am well rested. I slept my five hours straight last night!!! YAY!!! I haven't done that since before my surgery. I would sleep in two hour increments. Major deal you guys!!

My dream last night...I wish that I could remember it in full because it was a pretty good one...but now all I remember is the boys...it started out with me and Ryan Reynolds but ended with Gale Harold...oh how I cherish the nights when I dream of Gale Harold...I love him, I love him, I love him.

My vanity is about to kick in high gear here for just a moment...my doctor told me that my body would go through some major changes after everything drops and heals. The swelling is gradually going away and this morning I was looking at my incisions and my bruise, just checking things out and I noticed my torso again....my shape is coming back....my body is gradually returning to me.

I've never been a vain person...looks have never meant shit to me...I was always comfortable in my skin and honestly that's what shows the most...if guys didn't want me b/c of the extra cushion that I was pushing...then they didn't deserve me.

I've dated the Brad Pit's and the Michael Cera's...and honestly, the Michael Cera's kicked way more ass in the common decency department. Looks don't mean anything...but hygiene does!

So anyway...feeling more like myself now...bought my halloween costume yesterday...so that's my update...I'm off to boredomville until something exciting comes my way.

THOUGHT WE COULD ALL USE A LAUGH

BIG BIRD AND KERMIT STONED

BILL NYE THE SCIENCE GUY

I don't know about any of you but I used to live for his show...they use to play it on PBS but stopped...and I recently found out that his science show aired until 2003....BUT....I couldn't sleep last night and my mother has cable and they now have a Green channel...anyway....Bill Nye has a new show on there now called "Stuff Happens"....it made me happy. I love this guy...it's maybe where my love for the odd balls rooted from...

Post-Surgery Update

My surgery lasted a little over 4 hours...the doctor said that it was very grueling...he said that an average size uterus is 74 grams and mine was over 700...he said that when he removed all the fibroids it was as if removing a two pound roast from my abdomen...if you can believe that one. The cyst was also removed...now they are waiting for the results of the biopsies.

I didn't get back into my room until after 9pm Wed night. I got sick twice wich busted one of my stiches open...the first night sucked pretty bad...I got to go home Thursday but it wasn't a fun trip home.

I decided to come out to my mom's house b/c dealing with the stairs up to my apartment seemed too damn hard. It's Sunday now...still out here...we had a problem with one of my incisions last night...the bruising became pretty massive so the doctor has put me on bed rest, I am supposed to go and see him tomorrow. My fever comes and goes...but for the most part I'm doing okay.

I'm ready to go home, ready for the swelling to go down so I can wear normal clothes again, ready to love on my sweet Sadey...but I'm patient, trying to be anyway.

I got a letter in the mail from Unemployment, they are requesting an investigation on me...so I'm not sure what's going to happen with that.

OH..on a happy note...I still have my womanly what nots...so, yay.

JUST BREATHE

I think that my brain is numb from preparing for tomorrow...if I knew exactly what was going to happen then I don't feel that I would be as worried, but the not knowing is what is keeping me a little on the edge.

I spoke to everyone that I needed to speak to today...I love my boys. My dad is driving down in the morning...then we play the waiting game. I should be home Thursday. If I feel up to it, I will post an update. So until then, I love you guys.

CHEESE AND CRACKERS!!

OKAY...I will not be defeated as of yet...I'm not giving up as of yet...Wed surgery, Thursday home, Friday I STILL WANT LA!!!

I LOVE THIS SONG

Incubus Warning


Pre-ops today...went out for a short time last night but succeeded to have more than two shots...tired today...need to pass these two tests than I am good as gold....yummy Incubus singer...Happy Hump Day!!! <3