OOPS...I DID IT AGAIN!!

Not having too good of a hair day...but I am getting use to it...just did it....be honest and let me know what ya think~~~

DREAM TIME THEATER I

Something scandalous was reeking havoc on Vanessa Paradis...she cheated, she lied, she did everything but tear the man's heart out of his very chest...but that is all that the tabloids and papparazi were humming about...no one knew the exact truth...BUT...we did know that they were seperated.

So it was Oscar night...they did a backstage alley type show b/c the writers were still having a hard time getting their panties out of their asses. He won best actor for his role of Sweeny Todd...he was at the microphone, pictures were being taken, he started to talk then the crowd split apart and you saw Vanessa walking with a young teenaged boy at her side. (oh and by the way I was behind him on stage) He stops in mid sentence as she now stood before him. Johnny takes the boy in his arms...looks at her in a 'i love you no matter what, can't believe you did this' sort of way...embraced the boy and was crying....heartfelt crunch your gut tears...they have been reunited...his estranged son from Kate Moss. She had him and Johnny never knew about him until right before that moment. That was the first time he had seen him. He looked just like Johnny only he had blond hair. So that was that, he had his happy family back. I said 'piss' and walked off the stage.

Went back to the apartment where all of you were. Melissa was haggeling some sort of get together with James...the apartment was like a mini version of the home shopping network but it was all about James...it's hard to explain. Then a knock came at the door. Everything stopped...everyone got silent. Who knew of our where abouts...it was supposed to be private...I look through the peephole and it was Johnny. We opened the door...everyone was frozen...Melissa had this terrified look on her face...you didn't know if she was going to scream, laugh, cry or explode...it was funny. I went numb all over and forgot to breathe...but we let him in. He was looking at all the computers and commented on the nice job that we had done for James...sat on the couch like he owned the place. Melissa and I were on either side basically tearing him in half b/c both of us wanted to be the ones to take care of him....he stood up and left through the patio door. We chased after him and stopped him in the parking lot. He lit a cigarette and said that he needed help with his lines for his upcoming movie....that's all I remember.

I can't seem to have finished dreams with these boys. It sucks. I haven't dreamt about Johnny in many many years....and I was watching Kids In The Hall last night so I don't know where he came from.

Found out today that the kids are touring again. It's starting in March and going through May...pissing myself here b/c it's all new material and I've never seen them. So I am so excited. This is a dream come true for me. I will probably piss myself I'm sure.

STAY AWAY FROM FERMENTED FOOD!!!

I have been youtubing Manson tonight b/c of my dream and came across the clippings of when he was on the Grahm Norton Show...it's irrelevant really...has nothing to do with Manson, but he has tricked this poor soul in the audience to do a 'sexy' recipe and he has no idea what he is in store for....so watch...it is funny!!




When Neil and I lived together he always ate fermented cabbage...I don't remember the proper name of it nor do I care. We had come home from the store and put the groceries on the kitchen counter...well one bag had fallen into the sink and I heard something break....I turned around and almost died...the jar had broke that contained the wretched cabbage...we had to open all the doors...all the windows...scrub the kitchen with bleach...and it still took almost an entire day to air out the apartment...needless to say, it was never brought into my house ever again!!!!

DREAM TIME THEATER

The last couple of nights I have been dreaming some strange coocoo stuff...which isn't uncommon for me. I sometimes can't wait to go to sleep so I can dream.

I have boycotted my medications b/c I felt my mind was being altered...he put me on a new drug, one that I have taken before but I started to have high anxiety and well Friday morning I had one of the worst panic attacks that I have had in years!!! So I stopped taking everything for awhile. Last night I took some tylenol PM b/c I had a headache and didn't want to stay up all night...once again my body was feeling all tweekie but I'm here to write about my dreams...not my insanity.

This is the dream from early Sunday morning:

Part of it took place in Melissa's complex (haha sorry dear)...none of you were there, frankly I have no idea who I was with, but in my dream I was very familiar with them. I was with a young girl (possibly in her late teens early twenties) it was close to summer and there was an event being held at the complex. Everyone was cooking out, hanging out by the pool. At one point me and this girl were walking back to the room to get something and I noticed some strange sounds as we passed one of the apt doors. I can't even describe it to you...it was almost bone chilling.

We both noticed it but ignored it, we almost made it to her door when we overheard the maintenance guy and some other skeezie guy talking...they were saying 'if he comes out of it, we are all going to be in a lot of trouble'...'should we warn the others'...'I don't want to be responsible for the body count'.

She grabbed a hold of my arm and we walked back to the apartment that we heard all the noise in...quietly as we could we peeked through the window. It looked like a storage shed on the inside, it was dark and cluttered...there was a cot (so it seemed) hanging from the wall. Someone asleep, there feet closest to us...we were trying to see who it was, there was a sound of something falling and we ducked from the window, when we peeked back through the window, the head of the body was up staring at us and it was Jason from Friday the 13th....HAHAHAHHAHA....yeah...talk about pissing in your pants....then the dream shifted.

Now I was still in the previous dream but a huge blackout made me forget everything in between. I was by myself now, scared, trying to run away. I was standing in middle of an intersection that forked off into thee different over passes that intertwined. It had been raining outside, the streets were wet, I was trying to figure out the best way possible to leave and to avoid taking the highest bridge b/c I am petrified of heights, especially when I am driving.

Next thing I know a bus from the middle one slid off the road, crashed through the wall onto the bottom one, cars were falling everywhere...I was still standing in the road, trying not to get hit...everything had stopped, the one that went over my head, as if an earthquake had hit, rose up and fell, the sides of the bridge were lined with glass...and what seemed to be trashcans full of water all fell down around me...I crouched as low as I could not to get hurt once again, when I opened my eyes...everything was fine. I had a premonition...it never happened.

So three times I attempted to take the best way as to avoid the accidents...and after the third one I couldn't remember which one was the right one to take...now the time had come for the actual accident to take place.

I took the wrong way...but this time I had a young daughter and my husband was also there, but far away from me. I have no idea why we weren't in a car...insane...The bus had fallen, the glass had shattered, all these cars were falling down around us and we were about to be crushed. I took her in my arms and I jumped off the side of the bridge to land in the water below...but as our feet left the ground there was a helicopter coming right for us...it had been hit by one of the falling cars...I heard him scream to me, throw her to me, it's the only way....so I did and the blades barely missed me...as I hit the water I struggled to get back to the top, once I broke the water all I heard was her screaming 'mom'....and I woke up....

Pretty strange huh!! Now that is without taking anything....I had another dream after that but it really is irrelevant. I woke up at 4am and was scared to go back to sleep...Fucking Jason...I swear when I was growing up I always dreamt about Freddy and Jason...only Freddy was my protector and Jason wanted to kill me...hahaha

Now to the dream that I had last night...tehe...

Gotta love Marilyn Manson...or at least I love it when I dream about him because it is always a dream worth having!!

I was going to the hospital for my pre-op but the doctors and the nurses had no idea what was going on...I wasn't in a hospital I was in my elementary school...lol...I don't remember a lot now b/c I should have written it down as soon as I woke up...but I was in one of the classrooms laying down on a mat, with everyone else around me...it was nap time...and Manson was with the someone else...the boy that was sharing the mat next to me...everyone had fallen asleep but the two of us. I was hardly breathing b/c he was there...and actually paying attention to me...it got a little x-rated but neither one of us took our clothes off...he did things to me that I never thought were possible...hahaha...but that was about the time that Sadey started to wake me up b/c she was hungry...typical.

So, now it's after noon and I am home...trying to figure out what to do for the rest of the day. It's raining outside...I slept longer than I thought b/c of the darkness from outside. I feel like writing today so I might revise my book. No worries, I'm not going to delete anything...I have banned myself from the delete and backspace button!!! I just need to separate everything into chapters.

Happy Monday!!!

UNTITLED

I wish that I had furniture out on my patio b/c I really want to be outside right now. Yes I know that it is cold, but I feel like being outside. What I really want is to be at the railroad bridge.

This is going to be long and it won't make any sense I am sure, I'm not writing it to entertain anyone, I just need to vent.

When Amy passed away, the only person that I really wanted to talk to was Brandon. It took me two weeks to get the guts up to call him. I knew that it would probably be a let down b/c lets face it, the several times that we have tried to be 'us' again it failed horribly, ugly, something that I wasn't prepared for. But Amy was the one to help me knock out of the 'us' mode...she said it would never be the same and it was okay for me to hold onto him from the past but to let go of that image b/c it was gone. And I did.

When Brandon and I dated that summer of 93 we drove around alot, listened to music but what seemed to be the place that stuck was the railroad bridge and the road that passed it. That wound up being Amy and I's spot...and I wanted to drive down that road and stop, to be with her, but it never happened.

Brandon and I texted awhile last night and I am home now, sent him some pics that she had on her myspace of us and decided to take a trip into my cedar chest to see if I still had his letters.

When I moved out of the last apartment that I lived in, I was so ready to leave that place that I left so much behind. There were too many ghosts haunting me there and all I wanted to do was leave. It had everything to do with Barrett killing himself.

I'm a pact rat...I think that is how you spell it. I am notorious for holding onto everything, I realized that I left pictures behind...the only pictures that I had of Barrett are now in the trash somewhere b/c I left them...

So I go into my cedar chest to fish out Brandon's letters...and sure enough I am missing some...it's not a big thing but it does bother me. But I found other things. Letters from Amy...old letters. From the summer of 93 up to 97...and I can't even begin to describe how much I miss her. My heart is so heavy from losing her. She was everything to me. Everything.

I started a journal writing to her, and it has helped but it's not the same. I stopped writing in it when I started to dream about her. It was too much. I wasn't ready for that.

But the Brandon saga, we dated that summer and he went into the army that year so our entire relationship was pretty much based on letters, writing things that we never touched based on during that summer. He became a part of me that I hope will never go away, no matter what happens in my life. He is the reason for all the butterflies just in case no one knew that...Amy did, but she may have been the only person who really understood it. He sent me a poem once from W.H. Davies...here goes:

The Example

Here's an example from a butterfly
That on a rough, hard rock
Happy can lye
Friendless and all alone
On that sweetened stone

Now let my bed be hard
no care take I
I'll make my joy like this
Small butterfly
Whose happy heart has power
To make a stone a flower

And if I didn't mention it before he always called me his butterfly. I have the butterflies on my body to keep him around me and for me to remind myself everyday of who I once was.

I wish that you all could have known me back then. This isn't a blog about Brandon...it may sound like it, but it isn't. They were the only two who could still look at me and see the girl from wichita...the girl that I was before the world fell apart. I felt who I used to be around them...I don't want to push to hard to be a part of his life again, I refuse to do that. People change, I am a prime example of that.

He's probably going to read this and think 'oh shit'...hahaha...but he knows. I don't have to tell him that.

I just really miss her. Sorry if I depressed anyone...that wasn't my intent.

GIVE ME SOME OF THAT BIG HAIR!!!!

I'm house sitting this weekend for the parents and was watching a movie that was playing 'Heaven' in the background...next thing you know I'm youtubing my old crushes from back in the day....enjoy!!!!



WARRANT.....



POISON...



I was in love with CC...hahahahaha



There are way more but this is it for me now anyway. haha...i'm bored!!

UPDATE

Do you want the bad news or the worse news first? HAHA

Well it's really not funny. After brainstorming many possibilities on getting me down for MG we came to the realization that it wasn't going to happen...all this 'oh i forgot to mail your check' bullshit fucked me up!!! But I still had a small window of hope on Tuesday until I saw my doctor on Wednsday.

This is what he said: I have two discs that are damaged that will require surgery...after my mother yelled at me for five minutes b/c apparently I didn't ask the right questions....I'm not sure what exactly he is going to do...all he said was 'refusion' and the scheduled tentative date for this is February 5th!! I have a pre-op appointment on the 4th. So I couldn't go to MG if I had the money to do so.

Now it is unlikely that the surgery will be approved b/c TWCC sucks ass and they love to torture me, but I am keeping my fingers crossed....and shitting myself at the same time!!

I got my net turned back on today YAY!!! Dear Lord I have missed it. I'm housesitting for my parents this weekend...so I may or may not be around.

You guys party hard for me!!! Take lots of pictures....and give Liam extra hugs and kisses for me!!! I am so sorry guys!!! xoxo

WTF!!!!

Life just can't get any better than this. Okay....so NO my check didn't come on Saturday, but we did manage to pay my rent. Not the phone b/c they won't accept checks...Sooooo....my phone was turned off yesterday, I ran out of cigarettes yesterday morning, ran out of food too...I ate crackers, dry cerial and a health shake I had stuffed deep in my fridge.

I woke up this morning and now my water is turned off!!! I started to walk down to the office to figure out what was going on and what do ya know...there was a slip on my door from UPS from AIG containing my checks (I hope) but the damn thing is written in spanish I SPEAK AND READ ENGLISH ASSHOLES!!! But what I gathered from my patchy understanding of the language it was in the office.

I walk down to the office to claim it...I asked about the water while she was looking and she said it would be out for a bit and what else do you know...they didn't have it...HA!! That's right...they didn't have my UPS thing. So she makes a comment for me to call...well my phone is OFF!!!

My mom texted me at 5am telling me she wasn't going to work...yes I can still receive texts...so I shot my step dad and my sister an email asking them to call my mom and tell her to get her bottom over here!!!

I've got to get to a phone. Figure out where my money is and so help me god if they didn't send both of them....there will be bodies to count. I've gone three weeks now without any fucking income and I am sick of it!!!!!!

I have my discogram scheduled for tomorrow...which I might have to reschedule since my phone is off there is no way for them to contact me....fuck me you know!!!!

I don't think I can handle anymore of this. I'm about to go insane with being worried. I'm tired of not sleeping because I am worried...I can't make coffee b/c no water and I don't have a damn cigarette to calm my ass down!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Before I go postal I'm ending this....I hope everyone is doing a hell of a lot better!!!! I knew this year was going to suck!!!

UPDATE:

So I got both of them...I will be paying my step dad back today for the rent...get my phone turned back on...buy a pack of cigarettes and a coke....come home and kiss Sadey's ass until I can go to the grocery store to buy her food that she will actually eat....and me too!!! I feel somewhat better.

2007 IS OVER!!!!

2007 was an awsome year for me!!! Not only was it an odd number but it was also one of my favorite numbers. So I am going to post some of the best of's of the year.

A major accomplishment!!!

The meeting of James!!!!


and Richie


The most amazing ladies that I have ever met!!!

Melissa and Alexiss

and

Shelly....the best ball cruncher I know!!!

That weekend was amazing!!! Except for the chunt who tried to destroy it all...but fuck her!!!

And Ahhhh yes....I was introduced to Queer As Folk!!!



I know that it isn't much, but it was enough for me. I am really hoping that 2008 will be better and I am trying not to dread it as much it being an even number and all, but whatever. I cleaned house this year and will be seeing all of you, hopefully soon!!! Much love to all of you that has made this year fantastic!!! Thanks to James for bringing us all together.