UNTITLED

I wish that I had furniture out on my patio b/c I really want to be outside right now. Yes I know that it is cold, but I feel like being outside. What I really want is to be at the railroad bridge.

This is going to be long and it won't make any sense I am sure, I'm not writing it to entertain anyone, I just need to vent.

When Amy passed away, the only person that I really wanted to talk to was Brandon. It took me two weeks to get the guts up to call him. I knew that it would probably be a let down b/c lets face it, the several times that we have tried to be 'us' again it failed horribly, ugly, something that I wasn't prepared for. But Amy was the one to help me knock out of the 'us' mode...she said it would never be the same and it was okay for me to hold onto him from the past but to let go of that image b/c it was gone. And I did.

When Brandon and I dated that summer of 93 we drove around alot, listened to music but what seemed to be the place that stuck was the railroad bridge and the road that passed it. That wound up being Amy and I's spot...and I wanted to drive down that road and stop, to be with her, but it never happened.

Brandon and I texted awhile last night and I am home now, sent him some pics that she had on her myspace of us and decided to take a trip into my cedar chest to see if I still had his letters.

When I moved out of the last apartment that I lived in, I was so ready to leave that place that I left so much behind. There were too many ghosts haunting me there and all I wanted to do was leave. It had everything to do with Barrett killing himself.

I'm a pact rat...I think that is how you spell it. I am notorious for holding onto everything, I realized that I left pictures behind...the only pictures that I had of Barrett are now in the trash somewhere b/c I left them...

So I go into my cedar chest to fish out Brandon's letters...and sure enough I am missing some...it's not a big thing but it does bother me. But I found other things. Letters from Amy...old letters. From the summer of 93 up to 97...and I can't even begin to describe how much I miss her. My heart is so heavy from losing her. She was everything to me. Everything.

I started a journal writing to her, and it has helped but it's not the same. I stopped writing in it when I started to dream about her. It was too much. I wasn't ready for that.

But the Brandon saga, we dated that summer and he went into the army that year so our entire relationship was pretty much based on letters, writing things that we never touched based on during that summer. He became a part of me that I hope will never go away, no matter what happens in my life. He is the reason for all the butterflies just in case no one knew that...Amy did, but she may have been the only person who really understood it. He sent me a poem once from W.H. Davies...here goes:

The Example

Here's an example from a butterfly
That on a rough, hard rock
Happy can lye
Friendless and all alone
On that sweetened stone

Now let my bed be hard
no care take I
I'll make my joy like this
Small butterfly
Whose happy heart has power
To make a stone a flower

And if I didn't mention it before he always called me his butterfly. I have the butterflies on my body to keep him around me and for me to remind myself everyday of who I once was.

I wish that you all could have known me back then. This isn't a blog about Brandon...it may sound like it, but it isn't. They were the only two who could still look at me and see the girl from wichita...the girl that I was before the world fell apart. I felt who I used to be around them...I don't want to push to hard to be a part of his life again, I refuse to do that. People change, I am a prime example of that.

He's probably going to read this and think 'oh shit'...hahaha...but he knows. I don't have to tell him that.

I just really miss her. Sorry if I depressed anyone...that wasn't my intent.